Encouragement

I may have posted this quote before, but you don't mind.

I figured that with all of Jaden's informative lectures, you may be overwhelmed with the enormity of the publishing-project you are about to undertake, and you might need a little bit of encouragement.

From Barbara Kingsolver (You know her as the writer that wrote The Poisonwood Bible, The Bean Trees, Pigs in Heaven, and Vegetable,Animal,Miracle, to name a few):


"This manuscript of yours that has just come back from another editor is a precious package. Don't consider it rejected. Consider that you've addressed it 'to the editor who can appreciate my work' and it has simply come back stamped 'Not at this address'. Just keep looking for the right address."




This picture has nothing to do with the above, I just liked it.

JadenPoser Pt. 2

This is Part the Second of these little pseudo-seminars I'm writing up for Her Most Majestically Tall Majesty Savannah. I swore I'd have it up by Monday, even if it gets posted at 11:59.

In this part I'm going to talk about the Q word. Queries (poxes on you if you didn't guess this one).

<---Poxes

Your Query is the NUMBER ONE MOST IMPORTANT TOOL you have to get your foot in the door with agents. It's worth more than the book, more than the bribes, more than... pretty much anything short of a contract.

Although I'm probably preaching to the choir (or, more likely, preaching to the preacher) you should understand a few things about query letters.

<---Choir

First off- most of the time agents won't even talk to you unless you've queried them first. Ninety percent of the time *after* you query, you'll get a rejection letter. Just accept it- it happens.

Your query is your calling card, and only HALF of its purpose is to pitch your book. The other 50 percent of the query letter's purpose is to pitch YOU, YOURSELF, PERSONALLY. As I say a lot- almost as important as having a good book is the ability to convince an agent that YOU are hot property.

One last thing you should know about the Q word. Agents get hundreds or even thousands of queries a day. They may see yours, not think the title is convincing enough, and pass it over. Don't let the rejection get you down. Query constantly until you find someone who wants what you've written.

For this part, I'm going to include the query letter that got me signed on with one of the top agencies. I've omitted some details because I'm not sure I can disclose info on the deal just yet.

Here 'tis:

Attn ###### ######: (note: use Attn instead of "Dear" or "Lord High Imperator")


I read on AgentQuery.com that you are interested in pursuing young adult projects. I believe you will be interested in my YA novel, entitled #.

(note: This is a stock beginning for a query letter. It's short and to the point- it says where you heard of him/her, the genre of your book, and the title)

When a book of spells arrives in the mailbox of teenaged millionaire Ebenezer Talmond, he is cast into a web of danger, magic and intrigue that spans beyond the sinister criminal world that he has always called home.

<---Organized Crime?

Only moments after receiving the book, Ebenezer is left penniless by a killer who walks through mirrors. Escaping from the adoption of his cannibal uncle and joining forces with a sure-shooting girl named Hitchhiker, Ebenezer sets out to delve the secrets of his book and find the man who killed his sister—a journey that will take him beyond everything he has ever known and into the mystery of the Handler’s world.

(note: These paragraphs are MOST IMPORTANT. They should not total to be longer than three or four sentences. NEVER go into more than two paragraphs. The first paragraph should be no longer than one sentence- a hook, really, and no more. Agents think you're cool if you can sum up your whole book into tight spaces. Notice how tight the writing is on the second paragraph... in my book, this covers HUNDREDS of pages, but I've reduced everything to as tight as it can possibly go.)

(ALSO note: Agents like it when these paragraphs begin with "When" or "If" or "After".)

# is the first book in an edgy YA fantasy series revolving around the boy Ebenezer. The book caps at approximately 140,000 words. Six books are planned, and I am about 30,000 words into writing the first sequel.

(note: This paragraph cuts through the "Wow, cool" flim-flam of the previous paragraph and shoots out facts, business-style. How long is the book? Is it a series? Have you done any work on the later books? If you can say yes to the last question, agents like it- it shows you're dedicated. PLUS, it shows that YOU wrote a series (not just a single book) and are NOT begging them for help. It shows confidence, I guess I'm trying to say, and agents respect that.)

The # series is a mix between the fast-paced action of the Maximum Ride books by James Patterson and the macabre humor of the Series of Unfortunate Events books by Lemony Snicket.

(note: This is not necessary, but it's fun. Brag a bit, whether you're read those books or not.)

I have been published once before, in #. If you would like to receive any more information about # or the # series, please email me at #, or call me at #. Thank you for your time and consideration.

(note: Final paragraph wraps it up. Say if you've been published before (big plus!), and then gracefully step back and let the agent decide. Do not grovel at this point. Saying "Please, please, please drop me a line. Or at least a letter. Or even a carrier pigeon!" will not help.

-----------------------

So there's one example of a query letter that worked. Hopefully it'll help out anybody who reads this.

I'm off to bed. Savannah, do me a favor and find some of those funny pics that you always have.

<---Funny Pic

Put 'em on here. ;)

- JadenPoser

Guest Blogger: JadenPoser pt.1

Savannah: Hey everyone, this is my friend Jaden Nation, a sickeningly talented teen writer who just got his first agent, and as such is now qualified to share with us meager underlings the secrets to his success. Be nice, no hate comments, and soak up his wisdom.

Every picture except this first one I provided, as he is boring and didn't bring his own pics. :P





My apologies to Savannah- I'm a bit late with this promised post. Man, it's been a whole month since I blogged last... hard to get back into the flow.

Recently, I finally achieved two things I've been fighting to achieve for years now. First- I got an agent. Second- I kicked my Limewire/BitTorrent habit. Granted, sobriety only lasted for five minutes, but during that time I gathered my shattered nerves and scraped together some notes that I think you'll find useful. Useful, that is, if you're interested in finding a literary agent, or if you've been looking for one and have a wall *covered* with rejection letters (I do!).

Edit: I planned on lumping this all together, but I've realized it's too much for one post. Even Postzilla would be small compared to how big this post could get. So I'm going to split it into parts. This first part will be general tips on agents.

1. First off, the basics in a nutshell:
Most of what you've been told about looking for agents is false. Honest. Don't get me wrong: you should read *everything* you can about the publishing industry, but take it all with a grain of salt. Remember the hacker's first rule of Social Engineering. If you don't remember it, here it is:

RULE ONE: People are not machines.


Caption: Robots people not are.

OK, I made that up. It's a revolutionary statement, nonetheless. It means this: no matter what you read "agents" do or "publishers" do, EVERY single agent/publisher is still a human being. And human beings are almost unpredictable. So don't take everything the books say (or I say) at face value.

2. So what is an agent?
Oh no, you say to yourself, he thinks we're little kids. We KNOW what an agent is? No, you probably don't. An agent is not (per se) a person who manages your royalties, arranges for cocktail parties and sets up tours. At least- not yet. AT THIS POINT- an agent is the GATEKEEPER. Without him, you are NOT getting published.

OK, that's not exactly true. Paolini did it (sorry Savannah). Kaza Kingsley did it. Yes, yes, yes- but unless you can devote the IMMENSE amounts of time to marketing that these hard-working writers devoted, you will NOT be successful without an agent. Chances are you don't even really know *how* to market a book (I don't!). The point is that at this point, you NEED an agent. You should be willing to cut your ears off to get one.

Bottom Line: Agents are the ONLY way you can get in!



3. For the love of God, do NOT make it seem like you read Tip Number 2.
This part is hard, but it is absolutely essential. Do NOT treat agents like they are gods (though sometimes they act like Zeus or Pluto). Treat them with respect, but above all else treat yourself as if you have something they *desperately* want. This is a very delicate process. Bottom line: if you appear half-hearted or anything less than *totally* committed to your book, the agent will quickly forget about you.

Bottom Line: Treat yourself like *you* (not just your books) are Hot Property

4. You should know that the only way you're going to break in is with a book that is unconventional.
Do NOT query agents with a fantasy novel about a height-challenged boy hero who has to take a magic ring to burn it in Mount Boom. They've seen it and they're sick of it. In the modern market (and the market changes fast!) *all* books must have a killer twist that intrinsically sets it apart from every other manuscript out there. If your book is like the one I described... sorry, but you should write something else. I had to learn this the hard way (I spent five years on one series quite similar to that one, and I got rejected until I wrote a new series).

Bottom Line: Don't rewrite Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars, or any science fiction romances. The last might get published, but I'll find your home and burn it down.


Caption: In essence, DON'T BE LIKE THIS GUY!

5. Do NOT try and find that *perfect* agent.
There are hundreds of agents. There are *millions* of authors, and they are all querying those hundred agents at the same time as you are. If you do get an agent, chances are really stacked that it will not be the "perfect" agent that you found. Why? Because agents are people, and people are not machines. Your not-so-perfect agent may have twenty years more experience than the perfect one, and personally knows top-level editors who are looking for YOUR BOOK. But agentquery.com won't list this.

Bottom line: query everyone who might have the most remote interest in your genre. They will not jump on a book that they know they can't represent. If they can rep it- they'll reply quickly.

6. Simultaneous Query.
Don't listen when they say "does not accept simultaneous queries." Nothing in the world will bring you down deeper than waiting four months for a reply only to get a rejection (and you *will* be rejected). What do you do then? Get your query and snail-mail another agent? Good luck...

The books will tell you to do just that. But their method is really outdated. Remember- you have to convince agents that you (yes, *you*) are hot property. Query EVERYONE at once. Do NOT CC or BCC them, though. If you email query, send out individual queries (hint: Copy & Paste) to each agent.

The beauty of this is that you can spend a day or so emailing queries, and then sit back as rejections or requests start flowing in over the next month. Plus, if you sign a deal and a rejection from a different agent comes in, you get to experience the acute joy of rejecting *them*.

Bottom Line: Get a list of agent email addresses. Query everybody in the same day (but not necessarily at the *same time*)

7. Agents tend to respond to email queries faster than snail-mail queries.
I gave up snail-mail querying years ago. It doesn't work anymore. The only problem with e-queries, however, is that they are a LOT easier to reject than snail-mail queries. So you'd better have an amazing book, or you're no better off than before.

Bottom Line: Forget about snail-mail, no matter what the book say. Check out agentquery.com

8. Your query is everything. If you plan on following my advice and querying the Cheap Way (aka Email Queries), you're going to replace cost with quality. If you want to save money on postage, your query letter had better be AMAZING.

Bottom Line: I'll give you an example of my query letter (that sold my book) in the next part. For now, I'm off to work.

- JadenPoser

Let the Gnomies Unite (What is with all these homeschooled kids?)

Being mostly Swedish, my heritage as celebrated in America is represented by a couple of things: Pickled herring (A yummy Christmas treat!), lutefisk (which should NEVER have been invented), and gnomes.



Yesterday I posted an entry that included this picture, which warranted a gnome-possession-lust from a very interesting person, who, as far as I can tell, is related to my fascinating friend, Jaden.

His name is Kaleb Nation, and we should all be very pleased to hear that, as a teenage author, he has an agent and is sprinting swiftly towards publishment with his book The Farfield Curse.

But this is not the only reason why we should laud over him.

No, my friends. Kaleb Nation has a strange fascination with gnomes (and may be one himself! :O ).

For you, Kaleb, my comrade, I recommend the following book (and to all you gnomies out there as well).



Gnomes are not just cute little short men who tend gardens. Nor are they evil, despite what R. L. Stine says.

Gnomes are protectors of the forest and good-hearted humans. The different types of gnomes, their habits (including eating and sex!), life cycles, legends and more are explored in detail in this fabulous reference book written by two men who claim to have spent extensive time talking with and observing them (Whether this is true or not I doubt, but they go on about it so convincingly that I've been on the lookout for gnome traces since).

If you're in a bookstore try to see if they have this in stock (I know the one I worked at did, and it was a very small bookstore at that). Try to find the page where you can see NAKED GNOMES! *GASP*

Now, this is all very nice, but what I want to know is why exactly Kaleb has a fascination with gnomes. Is this because he is irreversibly odd, having been home-schooled? What is with all these home-schooled teenage boys pumping out the fantasy books?

Is Kaleb related to Paolini? Or worse, are they the same person? Has Paolini gone mental and invented a completely new identity, seeking to conquer the book world over again under a pseudonym?

Are they forming a secret army of lawn gnomes? Are your daisies safe?!

Not An April Fool's Joke

April Fool's came and I had no plan of deviousness, as it caught me completely unaware.

Fortunately, now I get to do all my April Fool's jokes TOMORROW, and no one will suspect a thing!

Anyway, I've been promising to reveal some SHOCKING information, and now that all the hilarious hate mail has been dealt with, hold on tight and here we go:

I left my job at the bookstore.



It's true. I've been gone for about a month now.

'But Savannah!' you say, 'Why would you leave the bookstore you love and which entertains us with amusing stories?'

Because, dear readers, I was not making enough money. I can't give an exact figure, but it was not much above minimum wage, and way lower than minimum wage is even GOING TO BE come this July. So I got out.

I knew in my mind that I needed to get another job, then my parents came home from plant shopping and one of the stores they had been at needed a cashier. They picked me up an application, I filled it out and went over there and got the job.

I am proud to say that I now work in an Enchanted Forest. I'm serious.

It's a garden nursery that also sells fun stuff like lawn gnomes and little mushroom statues.



So I learned the book market, and now I'm learning how to nurture things.



Maybe after there's a manager change and some major pay increases, I would love to go back to the Bookstore. But for now I'm happy growing things, making friends with the lawn gnomes, and going an entire day with never hearing about Christopher Paolini, even though, as demonstrated in the picture below, he likes his self some good plant luvin.


Caption: "Our love is pure! Don't judge us!"

Sometimes a Comic...

***Firstly, I've updated my links (to your right). The ones that are starred are the ones I highly recommend and which I read on a regular basis. The other ones are just pretty cool to look at sometimes.


I've discovered what may be the best comic in the world, only I'm not sure it's technically a comic. There's no plot. Each strip is independent of the one before and probably the one after. Nevertheless, this comic is incredibly inspiring, sometimes beautiful, romantic, hilarious, ironic, or just plain incomprehensible.

What is this comic I speak of? A Softer World


My favorite examples of their work:

Grame

Too Much Today

Bicylce

Candy Store

Beach Day

Camping

Triumvirate

Get it?

ASOFTERWORLD.COM!

Single's Awareness Day

Now that we're all recovering from the stress of Valentine's... here's my belated V-Day post!

I've waited all year to show you this video from the website zefrank.com.

Enjoy! Love to all,

Savannah

Paolini best Fantasy Writer Ever?

Here's an article that makes me mad.

Excerpt: When Christopher Paolini was 11, he read his first fantasy book. After an extended, several-year "reading binge," he decided he could write a better one himself. He has.

Umm... what kind of bad fantasy books was he reading that he felt the need to write a 'better' one? Tolkein, Adams, Pratchett, Card, and Bradbury weren't good enough for him?

And what was the writer smoking to come to the conclusion that Paolini wrote something better? That he even wrote comprehensible drivel has yet to be determined!

Crazy Paper Lady

Every Sunday at the bookstore the newspapers drop off their special Sunday papers... lots of them. Because people like the Sunday edition, right?

We open at 9:00. It's 9:15, and a lady comes in and brings to my register an ARMLOAD of papers and a few books. I figure she's buying them for someone... maybe the people at her church, maybe folks at the retirement home.

Whatever; that's her business. I check her out, she leaves.

Ten minutes later, she's back. She complains that the other store where she gets her papers isn't open yet, and she doesn't have enough time, so she has to buy ALL THE REST of our papers! The lady CLEANS US OUT OF NEWSPAPERS and we've only been open half an hour!

I'm going to be telling people that I'm sorry, but we're sold out, for the rest of the day!

Still, I don't ask why she needs all those papers. I try not to get involved with customer purchases, for reasons that will be explained in future posts.

Even so, she volunteers the information that... wait for it...

She is buying all these newspapers for her 13 dogs to pee on!



Whatever, a sale is a sale. It just seems a little ridiculous. I mean, buying paper towels would have been a lot cheaper than buying all those newspapers. But apparently she had been doing this for a long time, because she even discriminated against different types of papers. For example, she refused to buy the Investor's Business Daily, because the ink, when wet (eww), got on her floors too easily.



To top it all off, she was my opening sale and handed me a hundred-dollar bill! I had to give her mostly fives, and this is a problem because if the store runs out of small change and bills on a Sunday, we can't run to the bank to switch out our higher bills for lower ones and quarters or whatever!

But I did it for her anyway because she was nice. Basically, if you are a nice person you can walk all over me. =)

It's true. This one time this lady was acting really weird about her magazines (She was getting married though; they were all bridal magazines, so maybe its excusably), and had me holding huge stacks of them for her and paging managers and doing all sorts of crazy stuff, but I let her get away with it because she was so sweet... even if a little bit egotistical.

Spontaneous Gatherings

You've heard of them. Suddenly your supermarket becomes a madhouse of teenagers racing in shopping carts. Your bank gets invaded by hordes of zombies... your local park is overtaken by medieval jousting knights...

When I was working at the bookstore, suddenly a huge group of teenagers files in, looking nervous and self-important. I was hoping for a Spontaneous Gathering, but no, they were just meeting up somewhere before heading to a concert. And I was sad. :(

Here's a fantastic example of spontaneous gatherings. Watch this video if it's the only thing you do today, because it's fantastic.

And hey, get together a group of your friends and go out and do something creative! Report back. Pictures are preferable.

Horror Writing

Sentence pulled from this review by TeenInk.

"I'm trying to do 'Twilight Zone' for kids, where you step into a place you've been a hundred times but suddenly something isn't quite right."

-R. L. Stine

More Bookstore Etiquette

RULE 1: I am a peon. Please recognize this. I'm just a lowly cashier. Sure, you can tell me that you're disappointed that we don't have the particular British magazine that you want to read, and you could even ask that that information be passed along, but the likelihood that your request will be taken seriously or even acted upon? 0%. If you want a magazine that badly, freaking get a subscription for it. Don't get mad if we can't find it or just don't carry it. The reason we usually can't find it is because people like you take it out to read and don't put it back where it belongs, or stick it in some totally random section of the store!

Peon <---Me

RULE 2: This is not the nineteenth century. For the love of ALL that is HOLY, please do NOT EVER hand me your credit card until you have at least bothered to glance around and see if there is a little credit-card-swipy-thingy. I swear, I must say 'you can swipe that there' to at least 87% of all my transactions! (Also, you don't need to comment on the fact that all the machines are different if you're too stupid to get the machine to accept your card swipe the first time. There's a little picture there for a reason).

RULE 3: If you don't want a plastic bag, please tell me BEFORE I put all your merchandise in it. It's fine that you want to 'save the environment', but have some courtesy for your common man, you dig?

RULE 4: The merchandise placed around the counter is there to TEMPT YOU TO BUY IT. It's called 'impulse items', and they are placed in a carefully-calculated strategy to get you to spend more money. Therefore, don't think it's cute when you take five minutes to play with the little key chains that squeak and make noise. Do you know how many times a day I have to hear that?!

RULE 5: I do not know what books you have already purchased. Please do not EVER ponder out loud to yourself, "I can't remember if I've bought this already", and then look at me like you expect me to know if you have or not. I DON'T KNOW YOU! I don't have your prior purchasing information on my computer, and let's face it: You would be pretty pissed if I did! So please make your decision without expecting my input or approval. I'm not going to tell you what to buy. That is your decision, and I just want you to leave as soon as possible.


Oh no, thank you, and have a great day!

The Funniest Book I Have Ever Read

I've read a lot of books. Some people have even kept track of every book they've ever read, but I'm not that methodical, so sadly I don't have an exact figure.

Know, however, that it is an obscene amount for my age. Within the course of my reading lifetime, I have never EVER ran across a book as funny as the one I am about to tell you about.

WARNING: If you are underage, do not read this book. It's definitely for mature audiences only, but, oh man, if you're 'mature' in the legal sense of the word, stop what you're doing and SPRINT to the nearest bookstore and purchase it.

What book is it, this miracle of comedy, you ask? Why, it's this one:



I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.

Well, the author, Tucker Max better hope they serve beer in Hell, because that is where he is destined to end up after this life.

His stories are so gross and abominable that were they not wet-your-pants hilarious I would instantly condemn him as The Greatest Jerk of all time.

I mean, he's still probably the jerkiest guy in the world, but his absolute audacity makes this okay. I wish I could relay some of his priceless stories, but I want this to remain mostly kid-friendly, so all I can say is:

For samples, visit the web site. Again, if you are underage, or don't wish to expose yourself to gross, sexual, female-degrading stories, FOR THE LOVE OF FICTION, DON'T CLICK!

If, however... you can take it, and need a really good laugh, hold your belly and click away, my friends, click! Away!

Paolini Rides Again

A week or so ago I logged into the computer at work, like usual, and checked the press page for all the juicy book gossip- you know, who's coming out with what, which book Oprah has decreed shall be the next best seller, etc.

And then, like a dung-colored beacon of awfulness, I saw it...



Brisingr.

Pronounced BRIS-ing-er, this is the third book of Paolini's infamously horrible Inheritance trilogy.

And it was on my front page!

There was a press link, so I clicked on it. I have never regretted clicking on a link more in my life, not even when I was goatsed.

No, ladies and gentleman, not even that could compare to the dripping fawnery drizzled about the page. Printed off, it was a one-page update about the status of Brisingr.

Apparently, the book world responded so enthusiastically to the idea that one of their all-time best-selling authors (Ca-ching) had actually announced when he would be releasing his new book, that the release date was actually MOVED FORWARD three days, meaning that Brisingr will now be released on September 20th, 2008, but not only that!

No, my friends! Just when I had thought that Paolini finally got some sense and changed the release date from the 23rd just to acquiesce to my superior whims and desires (you will remember that I was upset about the release date, being as September 23rd is one of my all-time favorite days), he revealed HIS PARTY-PLAN OF D00000000000M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



YES! There is actually going to be a celebration on the eve of the release of Brisingr, just like the celebrations for the release of the Harry Potter books!

Umm, excuse me? Paolini does not equal Rowling.



On the other hand, good for the kid. That's excellent publicity, and should make him happy. I just refuse to attend. I REFUSE to work that night. I'll say something awful to a customer, I just know I will...

Gifts for Writers

If you have a friend or a love that is a writer, you can earn many kudo points by giving them writing-related gifts for Valentine's Day.



Unfortunately, if you're not a writer yourself, knowing what a writer will or will not like is tricky, and chances are you know what it feels like to get the gift wrong.

Here is a list of gifts for writers... what TO give and what NOT to give.

(Keeping in mind that [blah blah blah] everyone is different, results my vary, etc.)

GOOD GIFTS

1. A box of paper. The link shows computer paper. It's especially nice for someone who does a lot of printing at home.

2. Pens. It's fabulous fun to write with a pen with your name or favorite quote on it. But remember... one pen is not enough! If you give only one special pen, the writer in question will probably not use it, preferring to 'save' it, because it is so nice and special. Help them out by giving them at least ten! Then they can enjoy your gift guilt-free!

3. Weird things. Be careful with this one. Many writers like the odd and unusual. While the pickled body of a two-headed calf fetus from France might appeal to one writer, it may shock and disgust another, even if that same writer recently expressed interest in a collection of mummified human hands (true story) (I'm kidding).

4. Seasonal items.



Everyone loves to decorate for the holidays, but few are willing to spend the money to buy the equipment. Christmas stuff is on major discount right now, so buy cutsy Christmas gifts for next year!

Also: Customized Candy Hearts


Get hearts with their name on it, or any other fun or funky phrase that will be special to them.

5. Movies. Everyone loves movies. Stick with the classics or the indie films, and try to make them special editions, with lots of interviews in the special features. Or boxed sets.


BAD GIFTS

1. Clothing. Unless you know the person's exact size (For God's sake -do not get it wrong! Too big or two small... both send the wrong message!) and colors, don't even go there. Instead, get a gift card, and if you have seen something you think they would like, include a note describing the piece and where they can get it. You could even put an array of sizes on hold for them.

2. Household items. Sure, this vintage tumbler may seem hip and lovely, but there's no accounting for personal taste or decorating. Refer again to the gift cards.

3. Journals and diaries. It follows the same lines as the pens mentioned above. Some are just too beautiful to write in! See gift card.

4. Books. This one might come as a surprise. But unless it's a rare or signed copy of an already beloved book, or something the two of you have discussed, or a fascinating encyclopedia on an interest that, again, you two have discussed, please please please go with the gift cards! You might think a novel is perfectly wonderful, only to find out the giftee hates that author. Please see entries concerning Christopher Paolini.

5. Pets. Yes, kittens and puppies are charming, but allergies, living agreements, and financial concerns make this a guaranteed disaster! Especially if the giftee has recently lost a pet. Trust me, if they want another one, they will take the initiative to replace Fluffy or Spike. You showing up with Fluffy2 is not going to make them happy.




ABOVE ALL ELSE!!!

Writers are fascinated by the unique, the rare, and the one-of-a-kind. Shopping for a writer friend out of state? Get them something from a fun mom-and-pop store that they can't get where they live.

If all else fails, make a scrapbook of good times together. Some of my best gifts to friends have been binder-notebooks filled with funny quotes, shared anecdotes, and crazy photographs of us together.

Get creative by reading the following blogs:
Keri Smith
Little Birds
Scrapbooking Site



or try Indie Gifts

Paolini Deigns to Announce when his Next Book Will Come Out (And Thinks People Will Actually Care)

A huge part of my job (which I love), is to, obviously, help people find books. I'm expected to be knowledgeable about mainstream series and release dates.

And so... in the interest of being a good employee, I stupidly visited Christopher Paolini's web site last night... because I'm clearly a masochist... and found out that he's decided to grace us all with the announcement of the third book's release date:

September 23rd.

He had to pick one of my favorite months and one of my favorite numbers, didn't he? He just HAD to go there. September 23rd, May 23rd, and April 17th are my three most favorite days in the year.

That's not even the worst part. Oh no. The worst part is that he has 'BREAKING NEWS' about the trilogy, which he has chosen to share with us in the form of....

...A Video Announcement.

(Which, if you're really, truly a masochist, you can see here.

It says, and I quote: Kvetha Fricaya. Greetings Friends.

I cannot bring myself to watch it. I just can't.

But tell me how it is. And fear, my friends. Fear the coming September 23rd, which I shall now call Black Tuesday.

FEAR IT!!!!

............fear it...

2007, a Summary

Holidays were hell. My coworkers warned me in the beginning that by the time the season was over I would no longer love Christmas music. I was happy to prove them wrong, but if I hear the particular version of any Christmas song that was played INCESSANTLY during a two-month period, I shall scream.



Remember people, it's not songs that annoy... it's versions...

Anyway, the Big Day has come and gone, along with New Years. I'll be sharing stories, but for now here's a small personal summary, shamelessly stolen (with encouragement) from Super Hero Journals.


1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

In 2007 I finished a book, started and finished another (my best work so far), and wrote 63 poems I would be proud to call my own. I am proud of myself for taking chances. This year I moved from Illinois to Alabama, and it involved a lot of courage and independence, adjusting to and learning a new area. This year I got two jobs, a bank account, a credit card, and I pay for my own gas (Okay, I'm still dependent on my parents, but at least I'm not pinching pennies in a barren apartment somewhere; when my book deal comes through I'll move into a mansion a la Stephen King).


Stephen King's mansion, y'all.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

This year I lost three boys, and one very important friendship (I got it back though). I was severely betrayed and I grieve for my inability to trust people. I grieve for my lost childhood, for the state and home I left behind, for the friends that moved on without me.



3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

2007 was the most intense year I've ever had. I loved it and respect it, and I am sad it is gone. I consider it the last Good Year I'll have in a long time. Being a believer in the end of the world come 2012, there's not a lot of time left. May all years be as exciting, interesting, and varied as 2007.

2007, we loved thee well.



*bow out*

Aliens versus Predator: Requiem

So I was at the bookstore and someone had placed SciFi magazine on hold, and I noticed on the cover that there was an article about the new Alien v. Predator movie.

This was surprising because I thought we were all supposed to be rooting for Alien 5, not AVP2.

Personally, I thought AVP was not very good. And what I mean by that is that it was an excellent film, except that it did not achieve epic-ness because the filmmakers did not keep with the themes of the Alien movies. And this is coming from a person who deeply enjoyed Alien: Resurrection, claimed by some to be the biggest abomination of all!

But I was reading this article, and I think AVP2 may really have a chance, but some things have got to change.



For example, the name. It has been named Aliens versus Predator: Requiem. The 'Aliens' is a throwback to the original Aliens, and that's fantastic, so did they have to put 'requiem' in there? They're basically saying, 'people loved AVP so much that they demanded we grace them with AVP2.'

Narcissists.

But I'm willing to forgive all because they are including in this movie the Predalien, who kicked ASS in the AVP computer games, and I look forward to seeing it tear through both human and predator flesh in the film.

Now if they could only get some Praetorians thrown in there...

Bookstore Etiquette

When working at the bookstore, I have encountered all types of people. Most of them have no idea how they should be treating their local bookstore, and I'm here to tell them straight.

BOOKSTORE ETIQUETTE:

RULE 1: If you pick something up, for God's sake man, put it back where you found it! Don't wander across half the store with it and then leave it on a display table! Believe it or not, it's my job to go after you and pick up your mess and make sure it's put away. I have to track down all your lazy deposits before I can go home in the evening! This includes the people who bring piles of books to read to the couches and then LEAVE their stacks when they're finished. This is not a library, people!

RULE 2: If you don't like something, shut up. I don't care that you find it morally reprehensible that we sell Playboy and other magazines of varying repute. It is not my personal fault so please don't get angry with me. I will, of course, pass your complaints along to management, but really, lady, we'll be much more helpful in assisting you to lodge a complaint if you treat us with RESPECT and don't ABANDON your large purchase at the register, leaving me with three armloads of books to put back out on the shelf!

RULE 3: If you can't find a book, I would be more than happy to help you find it, as long as you ask for help BEFORE we're in the final stages of checking out. If I have to abandon my register and your merchandise to go to the computer and look up something for you, then locate it or explain how we don't have it, you are wasting my time and the time of customers who have their shit together and could be getting checked out right now but have to wait because you're a spazz.

RULE 4: If you have garbage, throw it away in the GARBAGE CAN, not the shelves of the bookstore. If you don't know where a garbage can is, I would be happy to point one out to you. Also, when you're reading magazines, please don't stuff the subscription adverts into the sides of the couches. I only have to pull them out later.


You know what a garbage can is. Please apply that knowledge.

RULE 5: used toilet paper goes in the TOILET!. Used toilet paper does NOT go in the sink, on the floor, or in the garbage can. Believe it or not, I have to clean up after you in the bathroom, too!

RULE 6: Do NOT take unpaid merchandise with you into the bathroom. ESPECIALLY do not take it to the bathroom to masturbate with! Buy the damn thing and do that at home, you pervert!

RULE 7: Though I may serve you, I am not your servant. I am a human being and you need to treat me with respect. Just because you are in a bad mood does not mean you get to be rude to me. If you are, I withhold benefits, like offering you a gift receipt or using the coupons to help save you money. Rudeness = you pay more.

RULE 8: IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEW ON A TOOTHPICK, DO NOT SPIT IT ONTO THE FLOOR!!!!!!!! I don't know what it is about this state, but apparently toothpicks are the new gum. They're all over the floor and they don't vacuum up nicely, so please, if you must chew, DON'T SPIT IT OUT ON MY FLOOR! Please see Rule 4 for more details.


Toothpicks: nasty habit.

RULE 9: If you call on the phone, expect to be placed on hold. My priority is on the customers who actually SHOWED UP for service. I will get to you as soon as I possibly can, and please keep in mind that while I am helping you I probably have people in person who need my attention, so please don't have a whole list of things you absolutely have to have. Come into the store and I can assist you better in person.

RULE 10: If we don't have a book, it is NOT MY FAULT. We cannot possibly carry every book that was ever written in the world. I can probably order it for you. Please don't get huffy with me.

RULE 11: Don't come up to me and say you desperately need a book but you don't remember the author's name or the title, just a vague plot description. While I know many things, I do not have a directory of details in my head, and I will probably have no idea what you're talking about if you go, 'I need the book with that guy who was on the Tonight Show about a week, maybe two weeks ago. I forget what it's called but Conan really liked the guy.' Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about. Come back when YOU know what you're talking about. I once had someone come in and say they were shopping for their wife, and a week ago she picked up a book we had on display, and the cover had a woman with red hair, and did I possibly know what that book was? Short answer: ...NO!




*sigh* Please have courtesy and respect for me and I will prove to be happy, helpful, and help you to get more product for less money. Is it so much to ask that you behave yourself and not be a completely rude, snobbish, perverted slob?

Signing out...

Have YOU Accepted JS As Your Personal Savior?

At the bookstore where I work, we have 'member' cards that enable customers to save money throughout the year by joining our 'club'. This is pretty basic; every book mega-chain worth their salt has a program like this.

When we employees scan the card, the person's name and other info pops up on the computer screen. We don't sell the information to the government; it just saves time if we have to ship something directly to them.



Example of a Barnes & Noble club card, and I'm not saying I work for the B&N.


So two days ago one of my co-workers, a girl my age, scans a man's card and gets a strange look on her face, but, like decent employees, we wait until he leaves to gossip about whatever it was that she saw.

Phonetically, this name would be spelled Hay-soos Smee-lee, I think.

But it popped up on the screen as Smelly, Jesus.



Caption: This is Jesus. He does not bathe.


That's right, folks. My friend Brittany finally found Jesus, and he was stinky.

Now there's a kid who's parents did not brainstorm, in the words of excellent British comic Eddie Izzard, "What shall we name our son so that he will not get the shit beat out of him in school?"

And thus the past few days whenever I need a lift, I turn my eyes heavenward and mediate on Smelly Jesus, who has forgiven me all my body odor and will welcome me into a utopia of cleanliness whence this putrid body falls at last to hordes of angry perfume-addicts.

But really, people. Smelly Jesus. The crappy pay at my job is worth it for moments like these.

Smelly Jesus. Spread the truth.



*Please note: I am a Christian, and believe God has a sense of humor about this, too. So don't get mad at me and tell me I'm going to hell. If that's true, you telling me won't really accomplish anything, will it?