All the Books in the World

Using reddit.com I found this interesting foreign comic (it's been translated) about a bookstore that carries every book in the world... except one.

View it on someone's livejournal here.

It asks if you're 14 years or older, but the content is entirely safe for work and all ages.

Not An April Fool's Joke

April Fool's came and I had no plan of deviousness, as it caught me completely unaware.

Fortunately, now I get to do all my April Fool's jokes TOMORROW, and no one will suspect a thing!

Anyway, I've been promising to reveal some SHOCKING information, and now that all the hilarious hate mail has been dealt with, hold on tight and here we go:

I left my job at the bookstore.



It's true. I've been gone for about a month now.

'But Savannah!' you say, 'Why would you leave the bookstore you love and which entertains us with amusing stories?'

Because, dear readers, I was not making enough money. I can't give an exact figure, but it was not much above minimum wage, and way lower than minimum wage is even GOING TO BE come this July. So I got out.

I knew in my mind that I needed to get another job, then my parents came home from plant shopping and one of the stores they had been at needed a cashier. They picked me up an application, I filled it out and went over there and got the job.

I am proud to say that I now work in an Enchanted Forest. I'm serious.

It's a garden nursery that also sells fun stuff like lawn gnomes and little mushroom statues.



So I learned the book market, and now I'm learning how to nurture things.



Maybe after there's a manager change and some major pay increases, I would love to go back to the Bookstore. But for now I'm happy growing things, making friends with the lawn gnomes, and going an entire day with never hearing about Christopher Paolini, even though, as demonstrated in the picture below, he likes his self some good plant luvin.


Caption: "Our love is pure! Don't judge us!"

Crazy Paper Lady

Every Sunday at the bookstore the newspapers drop off their special Sunday papers... lots of them. Because people like the Sunday edition, right?

We open at 9:00. It's 9:15, and a lady comes in and brings to my register an ARMLOAD of papers and a few books. I figure she's buying them for someone... maybe the people at her church, maybe folks at the retirement home.

Whatever; that's her business. I check her out, she leaves.

Ten minutes later, she's back. She complains that the other store where she gets her papers isn't open yet, and she doesn't have enough time, so she has to buy ALL THE REST of our papers! The lady CLEANS US OUT OF NEWSPAPERS and we've only been open half an hour!

I'm going to be telling people that I'm sorry, but we're sold out, for the rest of the day!

Still, I don't ask why she needs all those papers. I try not to get involved with customer purchases, for reasons that will be explained in future posts.

Even so, she volunteers the information that... wait for it...

She is buying all these newspapers for her 13 dogs to pee on!



Whatever, a sale is a sale. It just seems a little ridiculous. I mean, buying paper towels would have been a lot cheaper than buying all those newspapers. But apparently she had been doing this for a long time, because she even discriminated against different types of papers. For example, she refused to buy the Investor's Business Daily, because the ink, when wet (eww), got on her floors too easily.



To top it all off, she was my opening sale and handed me a hundred-dollar bill! I had to give her mostly fives, and this is a problem because if the store runs out of small change and bills on a Sunday, we can't run to the bank to switch out our higher bills for lower ones and quarters or whatever!

But I did it for her anyway because she was nice. Basically, if you are a nice person you can walk all over me. =)

It's true. This one time this lady was acting really weird about her magazines (She was getting married though; they were all bridal magazines, so maybe its excusably), and had me holding huge stacks of them for her and paging managers and doing all sorts of crazy stuff, but I let her get away with it because she was so sweet... even if a little bit egotistical.

Spontaneous Gatherings

You've heard of them. Suddenly your supermarket becomes a madhouse of teenagers racing in shopping carts. Your bank gets invaded by hordes of zombies... your local park is overtaken by medieval jousting knights...

When I was working at the bookstore, suddenly a huge group of teenagers files in, looking nervous and self-important. I was hoping for a Spontaneous Gathering, but no, they were just meeting up somewhere before heading to a concert. And I was sad. :(

Here's a fantastic example of spontaneous gatherings. Watch this video if it's the only thing you do today, because it's fantastic.

And hey, get together a group of your friends and go out and do something creative! Report back. Pictures are preferable.

More Bookstore Etiquette

RULE 1: I am a peon. Please recognize this. I'm just a lowly cashier. Sure, you can tell me that you're disappointed that we don't have the particular British magazine that you want to read, and you could even ask that that information be passed along, but the likelihood that your request will be taken seriously or even acted upon? 0%. If you want a magazine that badly, freaking get a subscription for it. Don't get mad if we can't find it or just don't carry it. The reason we usually can't find it is because people like you take it out to read and don't put it back where it belongs, or stick it in some totally random section of the store!

Peon <---Me

RULE 2: This is not the nineteenth century. For the love of ALL that is HOLY, please do NOT EVER hand me your credit card until you have at least bothered to glance around and see if there is a little credit-card-swipy-thingy. I swear, I must say 'you can swipe that there' to at least 87% of all my transactions! (Also, you don't need to comment on the fact that all the machines are different if you're too stupid to get the machine to accept your card swipe the first time. There's a little picture there for a reason).

RULE 3: If you don't want a plastic bag, please tell me BEFORE I put all your merchandise in it. It's fine that you want to 'save the environment', but have some courtesy for your common man, you dig?

RULE 4: The merchandise placed around the counter is there to TEMPT YOU TO BUY IT. It's called 'impulse items', and they are placed in a carefully-calculated strategy to get you to spend more money. Therefore, don't think it's cute when you take five minutes to play with the little key chains that squeak and make noise. Do you know how many times a day I have to hear that?!

RULE 5: I do not know what books you have already purchased. Please do not EVER ponder out loud to yourself, "I can't remember if I've bought this already", and then look at me like you expect me to know if you have or not. I DON'T KNOW YOU! I don't have your prior purchasing information on my computer, and let's face it: You would be pretty pissed if I did! So please make your decision without expecting my input or approval. I'm not going to tell you what to buy. That is your decision, and I just want you to leave as soon as possible.


Oh no, thank you, and have a great day!

Paolini Deigns to Announce when his Next Book Will Come Out (And Thinks People Will Actually Care)

A huge part of my job (which I love), is to, obviously, help people find books. I'm expected to be knowledgeable about mainstream series and release dates.

And so... in the interest of being a good employee, I stupidly visited Christopher Paolini's web site last night... because I'm clearly a masochist... and found out that he's decided to grace us all with the announcement of the third book's release date:

September 23rd.

He had to pick one of my favorite months and one of my favorite numbers, didn't he? He just HAD to go there. September 23rd, May 23rd, and April 17th are my three most favorite days in the year.

That's not even the worst part. Oh no. The worst part is that he has 'BREAKING NEWS' about the trilogy, which he has chosen to share with us in the form of....

...A Video Announcement.

(Which, if you're really, truly a masochist, you can see here.

It says, and I quote: Kvetha Fricaya. Greetings Friends.

I cannot bring myself to watch it. I just can't.

But tell me how it is. And fear, my friends. Fear the coming September 23rd, which I shall now call Black Tuesday.

FEAR IT!!!!

............fear it...

Bookstore Etiquette

When working at the bookstore, I have encountered all types of people. Most of them have no idea how they should be treating their local bookstore, and I'm here to tell them straight.

BOOKSTORE ETIQUETTE:

RULE 1: If you pick something up, for God's sake man, put it back where you found it! Don't wander across half the store with it and then leave it on a display table! Believe it or not, it's my job to go after you and pick up your mess and make sure it's put away. I have to track down all your lazy deposits before I can go home in the evening! This includes the people who bring piles of books to read to the couches and then LEAVE their stacks when they're finished. This is not a library, people!

RULE 2: If you don't like something, shut up. I don't care that you find it morally reprehensible that we sell Playboy and other magazines of varying repute. It is not my personal fault so please don't get angry with me. I will, of course, pass your complaints along to management, but really, lady, we'll be much more helpful in assisting you to lodge a complaint if you treat us with RESPECT and don't ABANDON your large purchase at the register, leaving me with three armloads of books to put back out on the shelf!

RULE 3: If you can't find a book, I would be more than happy to help you find it, as long as you ask for help BEFORE we're in the final stages of checking out. If I have to abandon my register and your merchandise to go to the computer and look up something for you, then locate it or explain how we don't have it, you are wasting my time and the time of customers who have their shit together and could be getting checked out right now but have to wait because you're a spazz.

RULE 4: If you have garbage, throw it away in the GARBAGE CAN, not the shelves of the bookstore. If you don't know where a garbage can is, I would be happy to point one out to you. Also, when you're reading magazines, please don't stuff the subscription adverts into the sides of the couches. I only have to pull them out later.


You know what a garbage can is. Please apply that knowledge.

RULE 5: used toilet paper goes in the TOILET!. Used toilet paper does NOT go in the sink, on the floor, or in the garbage can. Believe it or not, I have to clean up after you in the bathroom, too!

RULE 6: Do NOT take unpaid merchandise with you into the bathroom. ESPECIALLY do not take it to the bathroom to masturbate with! Buy the damn thing and do that at home, you pervert!

RULE 7: Though I may serve you, I am not your servant. I am a human being and you need to treat me with respect. Just because you are in a bad mood does not mean you get to be rude to me. If you are, I withhold benefits, like offering you a gift receipt or using the coupons to help save you money. Rudeness = you pay more.

RULE 8: IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEW ON A TOOTHPICK, DO NOT SPIT IT ONTO THE FLOOR!!!!!!!! I don't know what it is about this state, but apparently toothpicks are the new gum. They're all over the floor and they don't vacuum up nicely, so please, if you must chew, DON'T SPIT IT OUT ON MY FLOOR! Please see Rule 4 for more details.


Toothpicks: nasty habit.

RULE 9: If you call on the phone, expect to be placed on hold. My priority is on the customers who actually SHOWED UP for service. I will get to you as soon as I possibly can, and please keep in mind that while I am helping you I probably have people in person who need my attention, so please don't have a whole list of things you absolutely have to have. Come into the store and I can assist you better in person.

RULE 10: If we don't have a book, it is NOT MY FAULT. We cannot possibly carry every book that was ever written in the world. I can probably order it for you. Please don't get huffy with me.

RULE 11: Don't come up to me and say you desperately need a book but you don't remember the author's name or the title, just a vague plot description. While I know many things, I do not have a directory of details in my head, and I will probably have no idea what you're talking about if you go, 'I need the book with that guy who was on the Tonight Show about a week, maybe two weeks ago. I forget what it's called but Conan really liked the guy.' Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about. Come back when YOU know what you're talking about. I once had someone come in and say they were shopping for their wife, and a week ago she picked up a book we had on display, and the cover had a woman with red hair, and did I possibly know what that book was? Short answer: ...NO!




*sigh* Please have courtesy and respect for me and I will prove to be happy, helpful, and help you to get more product for less money. Is it so much to ask that you behave yourself and not be a completely rude, snobbish, perverted slob?

Signing out...

The Career Question

Frequently in a young writer's life, that writer must say to themselves, "I know I'm a writer... but now what do I do?"

It takes years and years of novels and short stories and more novels for a writer to reach the point where they can quit their day job. Notable examples are JK Rowling, Stephen King, and Nora Roberts.

But let's face it... we can't all be MegaWriters. So what do you do until you hit it big? Or even medium? What jobs can you get that feed the writer in you while earning you good money?

The obvious answer, journalism, shall not be discussed.

Young writer, your choices are limited. You can intern at a publishing house (a very difficult position to get), or read slush piles. You can work at a library, sell magazines, or, my favorite, work at a bookstore.



The three largest bookstore chains in the USA are Barnes & Noble, Borders, and Books-A-Million.

Tips for getting hired:

1) Apply early and often.

Bookstores are a magnet for readers, writers, and pretentious indie kids alike. Most likely they have full positions, and a drawer full of applications they've collected over the past fifteen years. As soon as you turn eighteen, get your butt down to the local megachain and apply. You never know when (if!) you'll get that call.

2) Keep an ear out for new openings.

When bookstores open new stores, what do they need? New Employees! This is where Tip #1 comes in handy.

3) Be available.

Bookstores are inundated with college kids who want to work part time. If you can work full-time, you've got it made. This, however, gets tricky. If you're still in school, that leaves you open only during summer, and seasonal work is a death trap. If, however, like me, you're taking a semester off from college, your hire-ability goes up ten points instantly because you can work anytime.

4) WORK WEEKENDS!

If you aren't available to work weekends, you will not be hired. End of story.

5) Pit bookstores against each other.

Apply to as many as you can at once. If you get called back for an interview, mention that you're shopping for who can best benefit you in terms of hours, environment, and paycheck.

6) Accept your losses.

Contrary to all logic, bookstores don't pay well. You can make more money frying things at McDonald's. Seriously.

vs.

So why apply? Only because your single greatest love in this world is books and writing. Bookstores are a wonderful environment. You get to see all the books early, handle them all day, and you get discounts! Maybe even on the coffee, if they have a built-in cafe!

7) If all else fails and you can't get hired by the national chains, seek out independents.

This works especially well if you're in the Berkley, California area, but for the other 99% of us, shop around. Develop relationships with the owners, and be prepared to work part-time.

Try this locator for looking up bookstores in your area.

Make Your Local Bookstore Work For You

Confession: It has long been my dream to work in a bookstore, and, if you're a writer, probably yours too.

Confession: This remains a dream, as I have taken virtually no steps to actually get hired, aside from sheepishly asking if the bookstore I am currently buying in large abundance from is hiring at the moment.

And so... how to make your local bookstore work for you, and not just about hiring either!

Hiring
The mainstream stores (Barnes and Noble, Borders, etc.) will most likely ask you to fill out an application which they will keep on hand should one of their workers leave. The odds of getting hired: Not very good.

But something I learned recently is that they will most likely take you much sooner if not immediately depending on your availability. Which does not equate good news for students like us.

Getting Published
You are no doubt aware of the 'self-help' section, and probably also aware that information on getting published, editors, and literary agents is scant. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU GIVE UP. This means that you find the book you want online, go down to the store and request it with the service desk. They will have it shipped to the store and you can go and pick it up.

Literary Magazines
You've heard my spiel about Lit Mags before, but you maybe did not know this (or perhaps you did and I'm just very slow, because this only occurred to me recently): You know those stacks and racks of magazines the bookstore keeps in the corner, that, as a respectable reader you would never think of approaching?

Well.... they happen to have a section devoted to writers and literary magazines. What does this mean for you? Research! This means that more than likely they will carry a 'local' literary magazine, which you can then pick up, study, and submit to.

When You're Published... Increasing Your Circulation and Profits
This next bit may count as cheating, but it's a writer eat writer world out there, you know?

When you actually do get published, as in books, use this little hint to fool the statistics and increase your chances of being bought and read:

Call your local bookstore and say that you represent a book club interested in reading the book that you just had published! (But don't tell them it's you, the author; that would be silly). Ask that they order, say, 15 books to be delivered, give yourself a fake name, and then never go and pick them up. The bookstore is now forced to sell your books (tee hee).

You can also manually go into the store, pick up your books, and move them to a front display. It helps if they have 'discount' stickers on them (but, please, don't hope they do, because how demeaning is that?)


Any other helpful hints/tips?