Thursday, December 20, 2007

Aliens versus Predator: Requiem

So I was at the bookstore and someone had placed SciFi magazine on hold, and I noticed on the cover that there was an article about the new Alien v. Predator movie.

This was surprising because I thought we were all supposed to be rooting for Alien 5, not AVP2.

Personally, I thought AVP was not very good. And what I mean by that is that it was an excellent film, except that it did not achieve epic-ness because the filmmakers did not keep with the themes of the Alien movies. And this is coming from a person who deeply enjoyed Alien: Resurrection, claimed by some to be the biggest abomination of all!

But I was reading this article, and I think AVP2 may really have a chance, but some things have got to change.

For example, the name. It has been named Aliens versus Predator: Requiem. The 'Aliens' is a throwback to the original Aliens, and that's fantastic, so did they have to put 'requiem' in there? They're basically saying, 'people loved AVP so much that they demanded we grace them with AVP2.'


But I'm willing to forgive all because they are including in this movie the Predalien, who kicked ASS in the AVP computer games, and I look forward to seeing it tear through both human and predator flesh in the film.

Now if they could only get some Praetorians thrown in there...

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Bookstore Etiquette

When working at the bookstore, I have encountered all types of people. Most of them have no idea how they should be treating their local bookstore, and I'm here to tell them straight.


RULE 1: If you pick something up, for God's sake man, put it back where you found it! Don't wander across half the store with it and then leave it on a display table! Believe it or not, it's my job to go after you and pick up your mess and make sure it's put away. I have to track down all your lazy deposits before I can go home in the evening! This includes the people who bring piles of books to read to the couches and then LEAVE their stacks when they're finished. This is not a library, people!

RULE 2: If you don't like something, shut up. I don't care that you find it morally reprehensible that we sell Playboy and other magazines of varying repute. It is not my personal fault so please don't get angry with me. I will, of course, pass your complaints along to management, but really, lady, we'll be much more helpful in assisting you to lodge a complaint if you treat us with RESPECT and don't ABANDON your large purchase at the register, leaving me with three armloads of books to put back out on the shelf!

RULE 3: If you can't find a book, I would be more than happy to help you find it, as long as you ask for help BEFORE we're in the final stages of checking out. If I have to abandon my register and your merchandise to go to the computer and look up something for you, then locate it or explain how we don't have it, you are wasting my time and the time of customers who have their shit together and could be getting checked out right now but have to wait because you're a spazz.

RULE 4: If you have garbage, throw it away in the GARBAGE CAN, not the shelves of the bookstore. If you don't know where a garbage can is, I would be happy to point one out to you. Also, when you're reading magazines, please don't stuff the subscription adverts into the sides of the couches. I only have to pull them out later.

You know what a garbage can is. Please apply that knowledge.

RULE 5: used toilet paper goes in the TOILET!. Used toilet paper does NOT go in the sink, on the floor, or in the garbage can. Believe it or not, I have to clean up after you in the bathroom, too!

RULE 6: Do NOT take unpaid merchandise with you into the bathroom. ESPECIALLY do not take it to the bathroom to masturbate with! Buy the damn thing and do that at home, you pervert!

RULE 7: Though I may serve you, I am not your servant. I am a human being and you need to treat me with respect. Just because you are in a bad mood does not mean you get to be rude to me. If you are, I withhold benefits, like offering you a gift receipt or using the coupons to help save you money. Rudeness = you pay more.

RULE 8: IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEW ON A TOOTHPICK, DO NOT SPIT IT ONTO THE FLOOR!!!!!!!! I don't know what it is about this state, but apparently toothpicks are the new gum. They're all over the floor and they don't vacuum up nicely, so please, if you must chew, DON'T SPIT IT OUT ON MY FLOOR! Please see Rule 4 for more details.

Toothpicks: nasty habit.

RULE 9: If you call on the phone, expect to be placed on hold. My priority is on the customers who actually SHOWED UP for service. I will get to you as soon as I possibly can, and please keep in mind that while I am helping you I probably have people in person who need my attention, so please don't have a whole list of things you absolutely have to have. Come into the store and I can assist you better in person.

RULE 10: If we don't have a book, it is NOT MY FAULT. We cannot possibly carry every book that was ever written in the world. I can probably order it for you. Please don't get huffy with me.

RULE 11: Don't come up to me and say you desperately need a book but you don't remember the author's name or the title, just a vague plot description. While I know many things, I do not have a directory of details in my head, and I will probably have no idea what you're talking about if you go, 'I need the book with that guy who was on the Tonight Show about a week, maybe two weeks ago. I forget what it's called but Conan really liked the guy.' Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about. Come back when YOU know what you're talking about. I once had someone come in and say they were shopping for their wife, and a week ago she picked up a book we had on display, and the cover had a woman with red hair, and did I possibly know what that book was? Short answer: ...NO!

*sigh* Please have courtesy and respect for me and I will prove to be happy, helpful, and help you to get more product for less money. Is it so much to ask that you behave yourself and not be a completely rude, snobbish, perverted slob?

Signing out...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Have YOU Accepted JS As Your Personal Savior?

At the bookstore where I work, we have 'member' cards that enable customers to save money throughout the year by joining our 'club'. This is pretty basic; every book mega-chain worth their salt has a program like this.

When we employees scan the card, the person's name and other info pops up on the computer screen. We don't sell the information to the government; it just saves time if we have to ship something directly to them.

Example of a Barnes & Noble club card, and I'm not saying I work for the B&N.

So two days ago one of my co-workers, a girl my age, scans a man's card and gets a strange look on her face, but, like decent employees, we wait until he leaves to gossip about whatever it was that she saw.

Phonetically, this name would be spelled Hay-soos Smee-lee, I think.

But it popped up on the screen as Smelly, Jesus.

Caption: This is Jesus. He does not bathe.

That's right, folks. My friend Brittany finally found Jesus, and he was stinky.

Now there's a kid who's parents did not brainstorm, in the words of excellent British comic Eddie Izzard, "What shall we name our son so that he will not get the shit beat out of him in school?"

And thus the past few days whenever I need a lift, I turn my eyes heavenward and mediate on Smelly Jesus, who has forgiven me all my body odor and will welcome me into a utopia of cleanliness whence this putrid body falls at last to hordes of angry perfume-addicts.

But really, people. Smelly Jesus. The crappy pay at my job is worth it for moments like these.

Smelly Jesus. Spread the truth.

*Please note: I am a Christian, and believe God has a sense of humor about this, too. So don't get mad at me and tell me I'm going to hell. If that's true, you telling me won't really accomplish anything, will it?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Paolini and Urine

So there I am, standing at the register, minding my own business, not really doing anything because there was no one in line, and then I hear over the sounds of browsing customers and grinding coffee machines from the cafe... "OMG I LOVE Christopher Paolini."

"Gosh darn it," I sigh, rolling my eyes.

I turn to see a young girl, probably a junior or senior in high school, at the browsing computer talking to my General Manager, going on and on about how much she ADORES Mr. Paolini, about how AWESOME his books are, about how that's the only thing she's practically read EVER and how they're so good she's afraid to read other stuff... she's ranting about how UNFAIR it is that his third book isn't scheduled to come out forever and blah blah blah.

(Side note: Doesn't anyone remember how Paolini swore he had had the story mapped out since forever and knew exactly how it was going to go? As both my favorite manager and Jaden have noted, why then has it recently been announced that he'll be continuing with a fourth book? Is it possible he LIED to us? That he actually is just PULLING this CRAP from his ASS?!?)

Anyway, so I'm standing here trying SO HARD not to say anything, and my GM, who knows how much this being irks me, is giving me the 'If you insult the customers I will fire you!' look and THEN s I stood there squashing my natural impulses, a man comes up to me and explains how his little son had to use the bathroom yet was too short to reach the urinal, so unlike a NORMAL PERSON who would just hold his son up to the urinal, the man instructed his son to pee into the drain in the middle of the bathroom floor.

THEN he carried water from the sink, in his hands, making a huge mess, over to the middle of the floor to dilute it, and now he's just being friendly, letting me know there's a huge mess in the bathroom that I'll have to clean up.

Any other employee would have told this man where to go, but I, instead, smiled and assured the man it was no problem.

Then, the sound of the high school girls excited, high-pitched ravings still ringing in my ears, I trudged to the men's room to clean up boy urine.