Confessions of a Teenage Author ~

Confession # 6 - Editing is Harder than I Thought

2008-12-29T17:52:00.002-06:00

I set the goal of finishing editing my novel before winter break ended and I had to start up college again. I'm still working 40 hours a week, however, so I only work in the evenings and on the weekend.

I found this great add-on to the Firefox Browser. It's called Leech Blocker, and you can configure it to block websites from yourself during certain times. Not only can you block the websites from yourself, but you can even block access to your preferences at certain times, so you don't fall into the habit of just turning off the blocker.

It's been enormously helpful in not letting me waste time. Even still, I'm only on page 50 of editing.

Page 50! Over three weeks! I have never edited this slow in my life, but for the first time it's quality, not quantity.

My agent (is it okay that I still get happy when I say that?) advises to bring the word count from 63,000 up to 80,000 words if possible. Right now I'm hovering at 65,500 because I add a new paragraph and delete the old paragraph upon which it was based.

I am also seeking a new title. Right now it's between Cristable and Antebellum. Cast your votes by commenting! So far, to the people I've asked in person, it's Antebellum by a 100% landslide. What is your opinion?

I am officially signed with the Bradford Literary Agency

2008-12-14T09:54:00.002-06:00

Recently I had a wonderful reviewer go through the WW stories on Fictionpress and give them a hearty reviewing. I, reading these, and having given up on getting a literary agent, got inspired by these reviews to re-work the series and make it outstanding.

I was ready to get down to business.

The very next day, I received this email from a lit agency I had queried by snail mail back in July:

Hi Savannah,

I am really enjoying Woman's World! Would you mind please emailing me the full ms along with short synopses for the other 2 books in the trilogy? Thanks!

Now, it had been a long while since I'd heard from agents, and I'd had all rejects before, so I wasn't going to get my hopes up... but... no one else, having read a partial, requested a full manuscript. That was something.

So, of course, I sent her the manuscript. I also researched her and her agency. I saw a picture of her online, and something happened.

When I met my current fiancee, the moment I saw him it was like he was composed of more vivid color than his surroundings. He was just so /bright/. There was an instantaneous moment of knowledge that I /must/ get his phone number.

Call me crazy, but when I saw this agent for the first time, something similar happened: that spark of recognition. Nothing romantic, obviously, but perhaps the click of destiny?

Either that, or I was really more excited than I let myself acknowledge, but this felt right, like it /had/ to work.

The next day she wrote back with: Send me the next book, please.

Excitement mounting, I sent her Apostasy. And on the third day? You guessed it.

Finally on the third day she wrote me with this: I'd like to give you a call tomorrow for a bit of a chat. Can you let me know what time zone you are in and your phone number and a good time to call? Thanks!

This is a VERY GOOD THING. There were two outcomes, according to Agentquery.com. Either A) She wanted to tell me that she really enjoyed my work, but it wasn't ready, or just wasn't for her, or B) she wanted to represent me.

We scheduled a call for Friday morning. The hour came, my personal laptop and notes were set up in my office's conference room. She called. I took lunch break, went into the room, and closed the door.

Immediately I liked her voice. I don't like my own voice, and so am conscious of other peoples', and hers was lovely. I had done my research on her agency, which you should ALWAYS DO (see this article) so I was prepared to talk about her history, while she was just learning mine.

Her name is Laura Bradford. She told me she had spent the last three days doing nothing but reading my work. She loved it. It's got its flaws of course, but we were both aware of that. We discussed several things that had to change, and I was completely excited to begin working on it.

We discussed our personal histories, and her already signed writers at the agency, what her processes were, how publishing works, and then she offered to represent me.

She emailed me the contract (which I looked over, and contested a few points in email a few days later).

What you're supposed to do at this point is alert the other agents who are still considering your manuscripts that you have been offered representation so they have a chance to offer it too. I sent off four emails to agents who, to my knowledge, were still holding 'scripts. One no longer worked for the agency (juicy gossip, I'm guessing), one passed, and I didn't hear from the other two, so...

I signed it. On December 10th I officially signed my first agent contract and mailed it to her.

My family is thrilled and so proud, obviously, but I didn't have any jumping up and down moments. I wasn't 'excited' in the true sense of the word. I was very, deeply pleased, like a smug cat.

Yes. At last.

This is a moment I have been working towards for most of my conscious life. This it the moment I feared would never happen, the moment I knew I had to /make/ happen. Many writers go their whole lives without getting an offer. On the other hand, many get offers when they are not very good writers.

All in all, this is a wonderful opportunity. I'm taking the next month of college vacation to completely rework WW (for the absolute best, just trust me), and then we will begin submitting to publishing agencies. It could take as short as 24 hours to sell it, or it could take years.

Anyway, I had to tell, of course, my faithful reviewers at Fictionpress. You can keep up with me here on this blog. I'll try to keep everyone as up to date as possible.

Also, this allows for some wonderful learning opportunities. I'll be sure to share!

----------------------------------------------------

Drop me a review.

Copy and paste this review into the comment box if you don't want to write something personal, just to let me know you've been here:

Dear Savannah,

Congratulations! As one of your FP readers I am so excited to finally maybe one day see WW in print! Good luck!

-Reviewer X

Why NOT be a Writer?

2008-10-18T22:27:00.004-05:00

From, oddly enough, a website called Idolect.org.uk

PS: The pattern of events as described in the above picture seems to be a pretty common theme among writers... who didn't make it.

Whatever you do, don't give up.

Ed Ruscha: Paintings of Words

2008-10-11T20:26:00.003-05:00

Writing is an art.

In Ed Ruscha's case, Art is writing.

Taken from his web site: "Ruscha has consistently combined the cityscape of his adopted hometown with vernacular language to communicate a particular urban experience."

In some, I love this work because he was creating a particular feeling or image with paintings/words that we as writers create solely with words. The paint is basically a snapshot of what paragraphs of words would look like, combined with a few key words to take your mind in the right direction.

Others seem to be just creative paintings of words, such as the one below:

One of his books, a roughly 600-page compilation of paintings of words is titled:

I love this title. I can't explain it. Perhaps it's the word 'styrene' (an extract from the sap of a styrax tree; it is used in synthetics such as rubber or plastic).

I love that someone could be called Styrene. What would such a person have done to gain a nickname like that? Is it because Styrax trees are very beautiful, and styrene sounds like a feminine name (Eileen, Dorine, etc.), and high concentrations of styrene are carcinogens for humans?

Call it a stretch, but to me it is for these questions that we are writers. Consider this quote by Thomas Berger: "Why do writers write? Because it isn't there."

I know what I'm putting on my Christmas list. This book belongs on my bookshelf.

Personal Languages

2008-09-25T18:41:00.004-05:00

When I was in fourth grade I decided I needed my own language.

This was before I had heard of Tolkien, and far before Paolini even had the idea to release his dragonish mess upon the world.

And so I invented a code, and learned it, and because it is a code, not a language, I can fluently translate, read, and speak it today. I was a smart fourth-grader, and so I realized that I would have to rearrange vowels with vowels and consonants with consonants so that words didn't end up translating to: gbvtw.

I also realized that certain letters usually found in pairs (c,h,s,w,t) would have to stay the same to preserve their pair-sounds (so that ch, sh, wh, th, etc., didn't encounter the garbled situation described above).

My boyfriend insists this is a pointless activity because this code language has no real use in the world, but I love it because not only is it a great way to fake knowing a foreign language, but if I'm ever in a public place writing, I can switch over to code and no one will know what I'm really saying. It makes it a lot easier to be unselfconscious.

I told you this story because it ties in with today's awesome word:

IDIOLECT:

An idiolect is a variety of a language unique to an individual. It is manifested by patterns of word selection and grammar, or words, phrases, idioms, or pronunciations that are unique to that individual. Every individual has an idiolect; the grouping of words and phrases is unique, rather than an individual using specific words that nobody else uses. An idiolect can easily evolve into an ecolect—a dialect variant specific to a household.

What's in your idiolect?

Stuff From Everywhere

2008-09-19T18:54:00.003-05:00

Below is a list of things to inspire/entertain you:

1) Check out this video of how to print a book... in 1947.

Mercilessly borrowed from BoingBoing.net

2) Have I told you how in love with Strange Horizons I am?

Read their Fiction archives here.

It's all so dreadfully good I've ignored the rest of the site.

3) A Softer World co-creator Joey has just made his book 'Lockpick Pornography' available for free online.

WARNING: It's got a LOT of homosexual relationships, transsexuality, illegal activities including robbery and guerrilla political tactics, but this either a) doesn't bother you or b) you can get past it, this is a very creative, fun, hilarious read.

4) A list of the best opening sentences from Science Fiction books

5) Tress can communicate with each other! As a writer, you should be thrilled.

6) Cats have wings

7) Dictionary of Etymology

8) Lingual oddities: A map of the United States showing who says 'pop' and who says 'soda'

All the Books in the World

2008-09-05T18:22:00.002-05:00

Using reddit.com I found this interesting foreign comic (it's been translated) about a bookstore that carries every book in the world... except one.

View it on someone's livejournal here.

It asks if you're 14 years or older, but the content is entirely safe for work and all ages.

Everything Wrong with Eragon

2008-09-02T22:49:00.004-05:00

It's no secret that I don't like Christopher Paolini.

Therefore, I was thrilled when I came across this list: Everything Wrong With Eragon

This is the list I've been wanting to make for years. Utter love to its maker LordSnow. ThingInTheCoat, you and I may just have to have a polyamorous relationship. ;-)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Also in cool news, this keyboard is a modern writer's new best friend.

I know there's this stereotype that writers have cats (and why wouldn't you want to?), but really, isn't the keyboard your most faithful companion?

The Worst Book Ever Written

2008-09-01T21:12:00.007-05:00

It is my distinct UNpleasure to introduce you to the a candidate for the worst published book in the world: The Shadow God, by Aaron Rayburn.

<--Worst Book Ever Written

I'd make fun of it, but this amazon.com reviewer has done a better job than I ever could.

Read his article here. Be prepared to laugh, to gasp, and to stare in shock that someone actually thought this book was fit to print.

Laughter aside, consider this a learning opportunity of what NOT to do.

Word Clock

2008-08-30T12:24:00.004-05:00

To all who were concerned: Not to worry; I'm not gone, just was on vacation, and then didn't come across anything I thought you would enjoy... until this:

Word Clock

Basically what it is, is... is, umm... a clock... of words? It's kind of complicated, so just check it out.

Also, BOOK MOOCH. A cool site where you can trade books with people all across the country, for the small fee of paying your own shipping.

LITERARY AGENT NEWS:

No news is, in this case, bad news. On the other hand, I haven't received nearly as many rejects as requests that I sent out, so there's hope yet. So far all but two agents have rejected the manuscript they rejected.

And so, I am facing the fact that I may have to do a complete novel rehaul, at least on the romance fantasy revolution novel. Which, no matter how many things I find wrong with it, is still first in my heart. Damn.

Word Clouds

2008-07-26T15:56:00.004-05:00

Today I found an awesome site for us writers.

It's called Wordle and it generates word clouds like this:

The above picture is derived from the entire text of my fifth book, Go Look There, which is a magical realism novel about strange things happening among the children of a particular Southern town.

Here's another, taken from the combined text of all of my favorite poems I've written:

Mostly what I found from this is that I'm a big fan of similes, which I knew, but when the word 'like' was twelve feet tall it really hit home. So I did a Find & Replace command in Microsoft Word (Which you can do by pressing control+F or apple key+f) and replaced 'like' with a space so I could REALLY find out what my most commonly used words are.

Anyway, this was really cool and I'd be eager to see your pictures of what words you use most commonly.

Deliverance

2008-07-21T23:12:00.005-05:00

Today I received a request for a partial. He asked for the first two chapters, which isn't much, but hey, it means I'm on the right track.

And, just so this doesn't turn into my boring personal updates, here's something I've been working on. Kind of in the style of asofterworld.com, these are the [mostly] true adventures of my life. They're all made from pictures I took, anyway:*

Pictures taken at the Botanical Gardens in Huntsville, Alabama during their dinosaur display.

*Right click on the image and then click on 'view image'; or if you're using a Mac or laptop press ctrl+click and then click on 'view image' to see the image full size until I post again and it moves down past the side menu.

Confession: Taking the Plunge

2008-07-18T18:45:00.005-05:00

Confession: I finally did it.

I finally started submitting to agents.

I had my query letter approved by Jaden the Wonder-Troll, and began emailing agents today.

<---Jaden in real life.

Using Agentquery.com, I sent out 65 queries. So far today I have received 9 standard rejection forms and 1 personal rejection.

And now, available only here, are details and examples of my rejection exploits. Read and learn:

Attn Ms. Agent,

I read on AgentQuery.com that you represent Young Adult fiction, and are particularly interested in __________. I believe you will be interested in my 60,000 word gender-struggle YA novel Woman's World, book one of a completed trilogy.

In a female-dominated society where men are kept as domestic slaves, one young woman must overcome cultural barriers as she grows closer to her new, abused slave -a romance that uncovers the secret history behind women's rise to power in our world and leads to an exciting, apocalyptic revolution to restore gender equality.

When the famous and reclusive writer known only as the Poetess selects for her first slave a young man whose muteness makes him worthless in society's eyes despite his great beauty, their journey towards trust and compassion in her isolated home sparks a powerful and forbidden romance. Torn with feelings deviating from strict religious and social dogma, and possibly dying from a cancerous illness that makes her shamefully barren, the Poetess struggles to come to terms with the love she feels for the slave she named Shaedyn, and her new, heretic belief that men deserve to be equal with women. Whispers of an underground equalist movement, and their tentative plan to use the Poetess as a political tool to sway the hearts of the nation, excite and terrify the Poetess until a near-deadly failing of health forces her to leave Shaedyn behind and travel to the East Hall, a technological metropolis and secret heart of the revolution itself.

At age 19, Woman's World is one of five novels I have written. Originally posted online at Fictionpress.com, garnishing 61,000 hits, near 1,000 favorable reviews, and hundreds of registered fans, Woman's World takes the female-dominant society stereotype to an intelligent and realistic place with a romance and characters proven to capture the heart of any reader. My other writing credits include a personal narrative in the literary magazine TeenInk, and an award from the Journalistic Education Association for Feature Writing. I would be happy to send you a complete copy of the manuscript for your review. I appreciate your time, and look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Savannah

Now, this is not the best query letter in the entire world, and I know that. But I was too impatient to wait much longer, having wasted so much time already. It's a mistake I encourage you not to make.

Within the next three hours I had six standard rejection letters, reaching a pinnacle of ten rejection letters at the end of the day, including one personal rejection letter.

Example of a standard rejection letter:

Dear Savannah:
Many thanks for thinking of me, but I am afraid I do not feel that I am the right agent for your work.

All my best,

Sara

--------------------------------------------------------

I’m afraid I don’t represent YA and wouldn’t be the right agent for this.

I wish you luck

Jessica

(Apparently agentquery lied to me in this particular case; learn from this -always double-check your results)

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Author:

Thank you so much for sending the _______ Agency your query.

We’d like to apologize for the impersonal nature of this standard rejection letter. Rest assured that we do read every query letter carefully and, unfortunately, this project is not right for us.

Because this business is so subjective and opinions vary widely, we recommend that you pursue other agents. After all, it just takes one "yes" to find the right match.

Good luck with all your publishing endeavors.

Sincerely,

Kristin
Sara

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The Personal Rejection Letter:

Dear Savannah,

Thank you for submitting your query to the ________ Agency. Unfortunately this doesn't look right for us.

While I like the gender role switch, I'm afraid it's a pretty familiar trope and not different enough to stand out in the current market. It looks like you have a good grasp of storytelling, though, so I want to encourage you to keep writing and trying new things. Though this wasn't for me, perhaps another agent will decide to take a look.

As a side note, I was uncertain about the mention of YA and historical romance. This certainly looks like romance, but I didn't catch a lot of YA or historical with it.

Best of luck in your writing career,

Jodi

--------------------------------------------------------

Now, I've only gotten 10 rejections over 24 hours, and I'm sure I have many more coming in the next few weeks. Plus, since I submitted only (I thought) to agents representing YA, my next battle tactic is to submit to Romance agents, as apparently I'm a Nora Roberts sinner with a corset-opener sitting as blatantly on my desk as a Magic 8 Ball (which should be mandatory for every writer, by the way, as they are incredibly useful).

But already the panic is setting in. What if it doesn't happen? What if I can't do it?

This post by Seth Godin and this post from some dude are particularly terrifying.

Should this happen to me, I've decided I shall become a publishing rebel, self-publishing and distributing to my few Internet friends as their weekly allowance...well...allows.

Caption: I shall become a Publishing Pirate. You hear that term here first, kiddos.

Paolini, your route is not looking so bad. Perhaps I was deeply, terribly wrong about you.

BUT Paolini did self-publish first (As far as I'm aware). At least I've tried to play fair. :)

Advice and My Own Work (Finally!)

2008-07-08T19:57:00.005-05:00

Check out these awesome bookcases:

Billy Collins, my poetry idol and unwitting mentor, spoke once in a poem of his, 'Books', about building bookshelves while in college.

This struck me as a very spiritual thing for a writer to do, and I found myself stumped as to why I had not paused to consider The Bookshelf more often. In fact, I don't think I've ever heard any other writer speak lovingly of bookshelves, when they are in fact tremendously important to our line of work.

I proposed then, in a poem, taking up bookshelf-making as an exercise in meditation, patience, and love of your craft.

In an effort to include more of my own work on this site and debate my own worth against Paolini, here is that poem, free-styled in modern poetry. And if you're not a big poetry fan (I can't stand any formats or classic work; it's modern for me or not at all, and not experimental modern, just... honest) then consider it colorful prose with hyperbole:

Bookshelves

My advice to you, young writer
is this:

(As if I could say anything
not already coded into the sequence of your DNA.
But perhaps the instructions there are pleated in your milk tongue,
as familiar and distant as the brainwave patterns of childhood.
While you speak the bland, foreign language of mediocrity now,
let me translate what I have discovered of the wending script
into words whose scientific meanings you will understand,
and allude to the musical impressions
you once breathed and swam in,
swishing your embryonic tail
through the fluid of your deepest nature)

to build bookshelves–
rooms and hallways of bookshelves.
Prepare the cradles of your children;
the cabinets and displays of your colleagues;
the frames around which books shall live and die.

Take steps, like a midwife of catalysts,
to usher life from non-worlds into this.

Hammer out rectangles and shells
to clothe and house your creations.
Meditate on your existence as you do this,
and accept a chance of death before the souls of your words
stop speaking.

Where the Sidewalk Ends - I found it!

2008-06-17T11:32:00.002-05:00

Many of you will remember this poem by the late, famed children's author Shel Silverstein:

Where the Sidewalk Ends

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.

I always thought this was an interesting concept. It's the modern, children's myth equivalent of the end of the world, the place in the ocean where the water just falls off the edge.

I am fortunate enough to recently have found.... *Drumroll* The End of the Sidewalk. ...And then several more.

The first one:

I was just walking along and then the sidewalk ended. I was like... well now what? I felt like Alice in Alice in Wonderland the cartoon movie, when the sweeping dog comes along and sweeps away her path.

So, with nothing else to do, I turned around and went back the way I came. No, I'm just kidding. I was a total rebel; I walked on the grass.

So that was interesting, but THEN a week or two later I went on a leisurely two hour bike ride with my Boy (yes, we're turning into one of THOSE couples; it's so depressing), and found three more!

If you happen to know of any sidewalk endings, I'd be interesting in seeing your pics. Show your endings!

Lies as Creative Truth?

2008-06-09T17:22:00.003-05:00

When we were children:

You were immortal. You could outgrow everyone, given enough time. You couldn't read. You needed a comfort object, or felt incomplete. Everything was bigger. There was always the chance that something magical would happen, that the adults were keeping some fantastic secret you might stumble across tomorrow. You believed your parents.

Read this list, taken from Mexican Pictures

Lies I've told my 3 year old recently

Trees talk to each other at night.

All fish are named either Lorna or Jack.

Before your eyeballs fall out from watching too much TV, they get very loose.

Tiny bears live in drain pipes.

If you are very very quiet you can hear the clouds rub against the sky.

The moon and the sun had a fight a long time ago.

Everyone knows at least one secret language.

When nobody is looking, I can fly.

We are all held together by invisible threads.

Books get lonely too.

Sadness can be eaten.

I will always be there.

Have you noticed that we don't 'play' anymore? Do any of you sit down with stuffed animals or plastic toys and just play with them? Why is that? What have we lost? Is it a way of living inside our own minds? Is it a lack of self-consciousness?

Take today to play mind games with yourself. Pretend that the books ARE actually lonely, that your toys get up and move when you're not in the room, that animals CAN actually talk, but they're not supposed to.

Report back.

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Also, check out this Flickr photostream of two parents who make their children's imaginations come to life by creating animals and objects that their children draw.

Charles Bukowski

2008-06-02T09:23:00.003-05:00

Firstly, thank you to everyone who has participated in the (I'm happy to say) intelligent discussion about this blog's integrity and dirty little habit of making fun of Christopher Paolini. You've all had interesting, mostly polite things to say, and I appreciate you using this blog as a forum for discussing proper decorum (I'm sorry, I couldn't help it; I had to rhyme) and in which direction this blog should be going.

That said, it's time for some old-fashioned writer-blogging.

Enter Charles Bukowski.

The Man, The Legend, the Writing. But we're only going to talk about the writing, specifically a poem that caught my eye and tugged at my heart.

As The Sparrow

To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.

The reason this spoke to me is because of the line "I only did to you what the sparrow/did to you."

I love how the last bit was dropped to the second line, and I love the implication of man vs. nature and man vs. man, but it leads me to this question: What exactly does he mean?

I have my own interpretation, but there's no reason for it to be right, or the only what. Tell me what you think. What did he do and what did the sparrow do?

This bird is called the Savannah Sparrow. Don't you love it?

Birthday Wishes

2008-05-24T09:26:00.003-05:00

Readers, it's my birthday tomorrow.

And that brings me one year closer to no longer being a 'teen' author. What will happen when I leave teenhood for good to become a 'real' adult? Will this blog still exist? Will it have to become 'Blog of a 20-something... normal person... who is uninteresting...'?

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me, and I suppose we'll find out in the coming year whether I make it... or not.

The Kōan -accomplishing the purpose of writing in one sentence!

2008-05-10T17:11:00.002-05:00

A kōan is part of Bhuddism. It is generally a statment that contains aspects that may not make sense logically, yet are understood with intuition. (Rephrased from this Wikipedia article.

For example:

"Two hands clap and there is a sound; what is the sound of one hand?"

Get it?

The purpose of kōans is to bring two people to the same plane of understanding; to allow their minds to come together by sharing the same thought. In the instant that you really understood the kōan above, you and I shared the same mental leap from logic to intuition.

I am so excited about kōans because they are, my friends, the purpose of writing condensed.

When you boil it down (shapes with pens stand for sounds which form keywords that unlock pictures in our brains), the whole purpose of communication is to get people to think the same thoughts.

Stephen King demonstrates this in his fantastic autobiography/instruction manual called On Writing (I would recommend this book to any aspiring writer). In one part of the book he asks the reader to envision a white rabbit.

Now we are all sharing the same thoughts. We are all thinking of a white rabbit. our rabbits may differ a little, but in general we are all imagining the same basic concept.

Then he asks the reader to imagine that this is a rabbit used in magic tricks, and it has the number 8 printed on its back.

We may all be envisioning different types and colors of 8's, but again, I repeat, we are all sharing the same basic concepts.

That's why I'm so enamoured of the kōan. What is the sound of one hand clapping?

We are all sharing the same headspace.

Further research into the history of kōans reveals that they are not supposed to be approached intellectually; they are a spiritual excercise undertaken in person, lessons from master to student, but we don't have to be too bothered by that. I recommend more research into the history of kōans, but unfortunately listed examples of them on the internet aren't as cool as that hand clapping one.

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands... now try it one-handed!

Encouragement

2008-04-09T13:29:00.003-05:00

I may have posted this quote before, but you don't mind.

I figured that with all of Jaden's informative lectures, you may be overwhelmed with the enormity of the publishing-project you are about to undertake, and you might need a little bit of encouragement.

From Barbara Kingsolver (You know her as the writer that wrote The Poisonwood Bible, The Bean Trees, Pigs in Heaven, and Vegetable,Animal,Miracle, to name a few):

"This manuscript of yours that has just come back from another editor is a precious package. Don't consider it rejected. Consider that you've addressed it 'to the editor who can appreciate my work' and it has simply come back stamped 'Not at this address'. Just keep looking for the right address."

This picture has nothing to do with the above, I just liked it.

JadenPoser Pt. 2

2008-04-07T23:19:00.004-05:00

This is Part the Second of these little pseudo-seminars I'm writing up for Her Most Majestically Tall Majesty Savannah. I swore I'd have it up by Monday, even if it gets posted at 11:59.

In this part I'm going to talk about the Q word. Queries (poxes on you if you didn't guess this one).

<---Poxes

Your Query is the NUMBER ONE MOST IMPORTANT TOOL you have to get your foot in the door with agents. It's worth more than the book, more than the bribes, more than... pretty much anything short of a contract.

Although I'm probably preaching to the choir (or, more likely, preaching to the preacher) you should understand a few things about query letters.

<---Choir

First off- most of the time agents won't even talk to you unless you've queried them first. Ninety percent of the time *after* you query, you'll get a rejection letter. Just accept it- it happens.

Your query is your calling card, and only HALF of its purpose is to pitch your book. The other 50 percent of the query letter's purpose is to pitch YOU, YOURSELF, PERSONALLY. As I say a lot- almost as important as having a good book is the ability to convince an agent that YOU are hot property.

One last thing you should know about the Q word. Agents get hundreds or even thousands of queries a day. They may see yours, not think the title is convincing enough, and pass it over. Don't let the rejection get you down. Query constantly until you find someone who wants what you've written.

For this part, I'm going to include the query letter that got me signed on with one of the top agencies. I've omitted some details because I'm not sure I can disclose info on the deal just yet.

Here 'tis:

Attn ###### ######: (note: use Attn instead of "Dear" or "Lord High Imperator")

I read on AgentQuery.com that you are interested in pursuing young adult projects. I believe you will be interested in my YA novel, entitled #.

(note: This is a stock beginning for a query letter. It's short and to the point- it says where you heard of him/her, the genre of your book, and the title)

When a book of spells arrives in the mailbox of teenaged millionaire Ebenezer Talmond, he is cast into a web of danger, magic and intrigue that spans beyond the sinister criminal world that he has always called home.

<---Organized Crime?

Only moments after receiving the book, Ebenezer is left penniless by a killer who walks through mirrors. Escaping from the adoption of his cannibal uncle and joining forces with a sure-shooting girl named Hitchhiker, Ebenezer sets out to delve the secrets of his book and find the man who killed his sister—a journey that will take him beyond everything he has ever known and into the mystery of the Handler’s world.

(note: These paragraphs are MOST IMPORTANT. They should not total to be longer than three or four sentences. NEVER go into more than two paragraphs. The first paragraph should be no longer than one sentence- a hook, really, and no more. Agents think you're cool if you can sum up your whole book into tight spaces. Notice how tight the writing is on the second paragraph... in my book, this covers HUNDREDS of pages, but I've reduced everything to as tight as it can possibly go.)

(ALSO note: Agents like it when these paragraphs begin with "When" or "If" or "After".)

# is the first book in an edgy YA fantasy series revolving around the boy Ebenezer. The book caps at approximately 140,000 words. Six books are planned, and I am about 30,000 words into writing the first sequel.

(note: This paragraph cuts through the "Wow, cool" flim-flam of the previous paragraph and shoots out facts, business-style. How long is the book? Is it a series? Have you done any work on the later books? If you can say yes to the last question, agents like it- it shows you're dedicated. PLUS, it shows that YOU wrote a series (not just a single book) and are NOT begging them for help. It shows confidence, I guess I'm trying to say, and agents respect that.)

The # series is a mix between the fast-paced action of the Maximum Ride books by James Patterson and the macabre humor of the Series of Unfortunate Events books by Lemony Snicket.

(note: This is not necessary, but it's fun. Brag a bit, whether you're read those books or not.)

I have been published once before, in #. If you would like to receive any more information about # or the # series, please email me at #, or call me at #. Thank you for your time and consideration.

(note: Final paragraph wraps it up. Say if you've been published before (big plus!), and then gracefully step back and let the agent decide. Do not grovel at this point. Saying "Please, please, please drop me a line. Or at least a letter. Or even a carrier pigeon!" will not help.

-----------------------

So there's one example of a query letter that worked. Hopefully it'll help out anybody who reads this.

I'm off to bed. Savannah, do me a favor and find some of those funny pics that you always have.

<---Funny Pic

Put 'em on here. ;)

- JadenPoser

Guest Blogger: JadenPoser pt.1

2008-04-03T13:18:00.009-05:00

Savannah: Hey everyone, this is my friend Jaden Nation, a sickeningly talented teen writer who just got his first agent, and as such is now qualified to share with us meager underlings the secrets to his success. Be nice, no hate comments, and soak up his wisdom.

Every picture except this first one I provided, as he is boring and didn't bring his own pics. :P

My apologies to Savannah- I'm a bit late with this promised post. Man, it's been a whole month since I blogged last... hard to get back into the flow.

Recently, I finally achieved two things I've been fighting to achieve for years now. First- I got an agent. Second- I kicked my Limewire/BitTorrent habit. Granted, sobriety only lasted for five minutes, but during that time I gathered my shattered nerves and scraped together some notes that I think you'll find useful. Useful, that is, if you're interested in finding a literary agent, or if you've been looking for one and have a wall *covered* with rejection letters (I do!).

Edit: I planned on lumping this all together, but I've realized it's too much for one post. Even Postzilla would be small compared to how big this post could get. So I'm going to split it into parts. This first part will be general tips on agents.

1. First off, the basics in a nutshell:
Most of what you've been told about looking for agents is false. Honest. Don't get me wrong: you should read *everything* you can about the publishing industry, but take it all with a grain of salt. Remember the hacker's first rule of Social Engineering. If you don't remember it, here it is:

RULE ONE: People are not machines.

Caption: Robots people not are.

OK, I made that up. It's a revolutionary statement, nonetheless. It means this: no matter what you read "agents" do or "publishers" do, EVERY single agent/publisher is still a human being. And human beings are almost unpredictable. So don't take everything the books say (or I say) at face value.

2. So what is an agent?
Oh no, you say to yourself, he thinks we're little kids. We KNOW what an agent is? No, you probably don't. An agent is not (per se) a person who manages your royalties, arranges for cocktail parties and sets up tours. At least- not yet. AT THIS POINT- an agent is the GATEKEEPER. Without him, you are NOT getting published.

OK, that's not exactly true. Paolini did it (sorry Savannah). Kaza Kingsley did it. Yes, yes, yes- but unless you can devote the IMMENSE amounts of time to marketing that these hard-working writers devoted, you will NOT be successful without an agent. Chances are you don't even really know *how* to market a book (I don't!). The point is that at this point, you NEED an agent. You should be willing to cut your ears off to get one.

Bottom Line: Agents are the ONLY way you can get in!

3. For the love of God, do NOT make it seem like you read Tip Number 2.
This part is hard, but it is absolutely essential. Do NOT treat agents like they are gods (though sometimes they act like Zeus or Pluto). Treat them with respect, but above all else treat yourself as if you have something they *desperately* want. This is a very delicate process. Bottom line: if you appear half-hearted or anything less than *totally* committed to your book, the agent will quickly forget about you.

Bottom Line: Treat yourself like *you* (not just your books) are Hot Property

4. You should know that the only way you're going to break in is with a book that is unconventional.
Do NOT query agents with a fantasy novel about a height-challenged boy hero who has to take a magic ring to burn it in Mount Boom. They've seen it and they're sick of it. In the modern market (and the market changes fast!) *all* books must have a killer twist that intrinsically sets it apart from every other manuscript out there. If your book is like the one I described... sorry, but you should write something else. I had to learn this the hard way (I spent five years on one series quite similar to that one, and I got rejected until I wrote a new series).

Bottom Line: Don't rewrite Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars, or any science fiction romances. The last might get published, but I'll find your home and burn it down.

Caption: In essence, DON'T BE LIKE THIS GUY!

5. Do NOT try and find that *perfect* agent.
There are hundreds of agents. There are *millions* of authors, and they are all querying those hundred agents at the same time as you are. If you do get an agent, chances are really stacked that it will not be the "perfect" agent that you found. Why? Because agents are people, and people are not machines. Your not-so-perfect agent may have twenty years more experience than the perfect one, and personally knows top-level editors who are looking for YOUR BOOK. But agentquery.com won't list this.

Bottom line: query everyone who might have the most remote interest in your genre. They will not jump on a book that they know they can't represent. If they can rep it- they'll reply quickly.

6. Simultaneous Query.
Don't listen when they say "does not accept simultaneous queries." Nothing in the world will bring you down deeper than waiting four months for a reply only to get a rejection (and you *will* be rejected). What do you do then? Get your query and snail-mail another agent? Good luck...

The books will tell you to do just that. But their method is really outdated. Remember- you have to convince agents that you (yes, *you*) are hot property. Query EVERYONE at once. Do NOT CC or BCC them, though. If you email query, send out individual queries (hint: Copy & Paste) to each agent.

The beauty of this is that you can spend a day or so emailing queries, and then sit back as rejections or requests start flowing in over the next month. Plus, if you sign a deal and a rejection from a different agent comes in, you get to experience the acute joy of rejecting *them*.

Bottom Line: Get a list of agent email addresses. Query everybody in the same day (but not necessarily at the *same time*)

7. Agents tend to respond to email queries faster than snail-mail queries.
I gave up snail-mail querying years ago. It doesn't work anymore. The only problem with e-queries, however, is that they are a LOT easier to reject than snail-mail queries. So you'd better have an amazing book, or you're no better off than before.

Bottom Line: Forget about snail-mail, no matter what the book say. Check out agentquery.com

8. Your query is everything. If you plan on following my advice and querying the Cheap Way (aka Email Queries), you're going to replace cost with quality. If you want to save money on postage, your query letter had better be AMAZING.

Bottom Line: I'll give you an example of my query letter (that sold my book) in the next part. For now, I'm off to work.

- JadenPoser

Let the Gnomies Unite (What is with all these homeschooled kids?)

2008-04-02T07:15:00.004-05:00

Being mostly Swedish, my heritage as celebrated in America is represented by a couple of things: Pickled herring (A yummy Christmas treat!), lutefisk (which should NEVER have been invented), and gnomes.

Yesterday I posted an entry that included this picture, which warranted a gnome-possession-lust from a very interesting person, who, as far as I can tell, is related to my fascinating friend, Jaden.

His name is Kaleb Nation, and we should all be very pleased to hear that, as a teenage author, he has an agent and is sprinting swiftly towards publishment with his book The Farfield Curse.

But this is not the only reason why we should laud over him.

No, my friends. Kaleb Nation has a strange fascination with gnomes (and may be one himself! :O ).

For you, Kaleb, my comrade, I recommend the following book (and to all you gnomies out there as well).

Gnomes are not just cute little short men who tend gardens. Nor are they evil, despite what R. L. Stine says.

Gnomes are protectors of the forest and good-hearted humans. The different types of gnomes, their habits (including eating and sex!), life cycles, legends and more are explored in detail in this fabulous reference book written by two men who claim to have spent extensive time talking with and observing them (Whether this is true or not I doubt, but they go on about it so convincingly that I've been on the lookout for gnome traces since).

If you're in a bookstore try to see if they have this in stock (I know the one I worked at did, and it was a very small bookstore at that). Try to find the page where you can see NAKED GNOMES! *GASP*

Now, this is all very nice, but what I want to know is why exactly Kaleb has a fascination with gnomes. Is this because he is irreversibly odd, having been home-schooled? What is with all these home-schooled teenage boys pumping out the fantasy books?

Is Kaleb related to Paolini? Or worse, are they the same person? Has Paolini gone mental and invented a completely new identity, seeking to conquer the book world over again under a pseudonym?

Are they forming a secret army of lawn gnomes? Are your daisies safe?!

Not An April Fool's Joke

2008-04-01T16:17:00.003-05:00

April Fool's came and I had no plan of deviousness, as it caught me completely unaware.

Fortunately, now I get to do all my April Fool's jokes TOMORROW, and no one will suspect a thing!

Anyway, I've been promising to reveal some SHOCKING information, and now that all the hilarious hate mail has been dealt with, hold on tight and here we go:

I left my job at the bookstore.

It's true. I've been gone for about a month now.

'But Savannah!' you say, 'Why would you leave the bookstore you love and which entertains us with amusing stories?'

Because, dear readers, I was not making enough money. I can't give an exact figure, but it was not much above minimum wage, and way lower than minimum wage is even GOING TO BE come this July. So I got out.

I knew in my mind that I needed to get another job, then my parents came home from plant shopping and one of the stores they had been at needed a cashier. They picked me up an application, I filled it out and went over there and got the job.

I am proud to say that I now work in an Enchanted Forest. I'm serious.

It's a garden nursery that also sells fun stuff like lawn gnomes and little mushroom statues.

So I learned the book market, and now I'm learning how to nurture things.

Maybe after there's a manager change and some major pay increases, I would love to go back to the Bookstore. But for now I'm happy growing things, making friends with the lawn gnomes, and going an entire day with never hearing about Christopher Paolini, even though, as demonstrated in the picture below, he likes his self some good plant luvin.

Caption: "Our love is pure! Don't judge us!"

Sometimes a Comic...

2008-02-28T12:20:00.003-06:00

***Firstly, I've updated my links (to your right). The ones that are starred are the ones I highly recommend and which I read on a regular basis. The other ones are just pretty cool to look at sometimes.

I've discovered what may be the best comic in the world, only I'm not sure it's technically a comic. There's no plot. Each strip is independent of the one before and probably the one after. Nevertheless, this comic is incredibly inspiring, sometimes beautiful, romantic, hilarious, ironic, or just plain incomprehensible.

What is this comic I speak of? A Softer World

My favorite examples of their work:

Grame

Too Much Today

Bicylce

Candy Store

Beach Day

Camping

Triumvirate

Get it?

ASOFTERWORLD.COM!

Single's Awareness Day

2008-02-15T13:40:00.003-06:00

Now that we're all recovering from the stress of Valentine's... here's my belated V-Day post!

I've waited all year to show you this video from the website zefrank.com.

Enjoy! Love to all,

Savannah

Paolini best Fantasy Writer Ever?

2008-02-12T14:50:00.001-06:00

Here's an article that makes me mad.

Excerpt: When Christopher Paolini was 11, he read his first fantasy book. After an extended, several-year "reading binge," he decided he could write a better one himself. He has.

Umm... what kind of bad fantasy books was he reading that he felt the need to write a 'better' one? Tolkein, Adams, Pratchett, Card, and Bradbury weren't good enough for him?

And what was the writer smoking to come to the conclusion that Paolini wrote something better? That he even wrote comprehensible drivel has yet to be determined!

Crazy Paper Lady

2008-02-10T16:58:00.001-06:00

Every Sunday at the bookstore the newspapers drop off their special Sunday papers... lots of them. Because people like the Sunday edition, right?

We open at 9:00. It's 9:15, and a lady comes in and brings to my register an ARMLOAD of papers and a few books. I figure she's buying them for someone... maybe the people at her church, maybe folks at the retirement home.

Whatever; that's her business. I check her out, she leaves.

Ten minutes later, she's back. She complains that the other store where she gets her papers isn't open yet, and she doesn't have enough time, so she has to buy ALL THE REST of our papers! The lady CLEANS US OUT OF NEWSPAPERS and we've only been open half an hour!

I'm going to be telling people that I'm sorry, but we're sold out, for the rest of the day!

Still, I don't ask why she needs all those papers. I try not to get involved with customer purchases, for reasons that will be explained in future posts.

Even so, she volunteers the information that... wait for it...

She is buying all these newspapers for her 13 dogs to pee on!

Whatever, a sale is a sale. It just seems a little ridiculous. I mean, buying paper towels would have been a lot cheaper than buying all those newspapers. But apparently she had been doing this for a long time, because she even discriminated against different types of papers. For example, she refused to buy the Investor's Business Daily, because the ink, when wet (eww), got on her floors too easily.

To top it all off, she was my opening sale and handed me a hundred-dollar bill! I had to give her mostly fives, and this is a problem because if the store runs out of small change and bills on a Sunday, we can't run to the bank to switch out our higher bills for lower ones and quarters or whatever!

But I did it for her anyway because she was nice. Basically, if you are a nice person you can walk all over me. =)

It's true. This one time this lady was acting really weird about her magazines (She was getting married though; they were all bridal magazines, so maybe its excusably), and had me holding huge stacks of them for her and paging managers and doing all sorts of crazy stuff, but I let her get away with it because she was so sweet... even if a little bit egotistical.

Spontaneous Gatherings

2008-02-04T22:11:00.000-06:00

You've heard of them. Suddenly your supermarket becomes a madhouse of teenagers racing in shopping carts. Your bank gets invaded by hordes of zombies... your local park is overtaken by medieval jousting knights...

When I was working at the bookstore, suddenly a huge group of teenagers files in, looking nervous and self-important. I was hoping for a Spontaneous Gathering, but no, they were just meeting up somewhere before heading to a concert. And I was sad. :(

Here's a fantastic example of spontaneous gatherings. Watch this video if it's the only thing you do today, because it's fantastic.

And hey, get together a group of your friends and go out and do something creative! Report back. Pictures are preferable.

Horror Writing

2008-02-04T17:00:00.000-06:00

Sentence pulled from this review by TeenInk.

"I'm trying to do 'Twilight Zone' for kids, where you step into a place you've been a hundred times but suddenly something isn't quite right."

-R. L. Stine

More Bookstore Etiquette

2008-02-03T23:20:00.000-06:00

RULE 1: I am a peon. Please recognize this. I'm just a lowly cashier. Sure, you can tell me that you're disappointed that we don't have the particular British magazine that you want to read, and you could even ask that that information be passed along, but the likelihood that your request will be taken seriously or even acted upon? 0%. If you want a magazine that badly, freaking get a subscription for it. Don't get mad if we can't find it or just don't carry it. The reason we usually can't find it is because people like you take it out to read and don't put it back where it belongs, or stick it in some totally random section of the store!

Peon <---Me

RULE 2: This is not the nineteenth century. For the love of ALL that is HOLY, please do NOT EVER hand me your credit card until you have at least bothered to glance around and see if there is a little credit-card-swipy-thingy. I swear, I must say 'you can swipe that there' to at least 87% of all my transactions! (Also, you don't need to comment on the fact that all the machines are different if you're too stupid to get the machine to accept your card swipe the first time. There's a little picture there for a reason).

RULE 3: If you don't want a plastic bag, please tell me BEFORE I put all your merchandise in it. It's fine that you want to 'save the environment', but have some courtesy for your common man, you dig?

RULE 4: The merchandise placed around the counter is there to TEMPT YOU TO BUY IT. It's called 'impulse items', and they are placed in a carefully-calculated strategy to get you to spend more money. Therefore, don't think it's cute when you take five minutes to play with the little key chains that squeak and make noise. Do you know how many times a day I have to hear that?!

RULE 5: I do not know what books you have already purchased. Please do not EVER ponder out loud to yourself, "I can't remember if I've bought this already", and then look at me like you expect me to know if you have or not. I DON'T KNOW YOU! I don't have your prior purchasing information on my computer, and let's face it: You would be pretty pissed if I did! So please make your decision without expecting my input or approval. I'm not going to tell you what to buy. That is your decision, and I just want you to leave as soon as possible.

Oh no, thank you, and have a great day!

The Funniest Book I Have Ever Read

2008-02-03T23:04:00.001-06:00

I've read a lot of books. Some people have even kept track of every book they've ever read, but I'm not that methodical, so sadly I don't have an exact figure.

Know, however, that it is an obscene amount for my age. Within the course of my reading lifetime, I have never EVER ran across a book as funny as the one I am about to tell you about.

WARNING: If you are underage, do not read this book. It's definitely for mature audiences only, but, oh man, if you're 'mature' in the legal sense of the word, stop what you're doing and SPRINT to the nearest bookstore and purchase it.

What book is it, this miracle of comedy, you ask? Why, it's this one:

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.

Well, the author, Tucker Max better hope they serve beer in Hell, because that is where he is destined to end up after this life.

His stories are so gross and abominable that were they not wet-your-pants hilarious I would instantly condemn him as The Greatest Jerk of all time.

I mean, he's still probably the jerkiest guy in the world, but his absolute audacity makes this okay. I wish I could relay some of his priceless stories, but I want this to remain mostly kid-friendly, so all I can say is:

For samples, visit the web site. Again, if you are underage, or don't wish to expose yourself to gross, sexual, female-degrading stories, FOR THE LOVE OF FICTION, DON'T CLICK!

If, however... you can take it, and need a really good laugh, hold your belly and click away, my friends, click! Away!

Paolini Rides Again

2008-02-02T08:02:00.001-06:00

A week or so ago I logged into the computer at work, like usual, and checked the press page for all the juicy book gossip- you know, who's coming out with what, which book Oprah has decreed shall be the next best seller, etc.

And then, like a dung-colored beacon of awfulness, I saw it...

Brisingr.

Pronounced BRIS-ing-er, this is the third book of Paolini's infamously horrible Inheritance trilogy.

And it was on my front page!

There was a press link, so I clicked on it. I have never regretted clicking on a link more in my life, not even when I was goatsed.

No, ladies and gentleman, not even that could compare to the dripping fawnery drizzled about the page. Printed off, it was a one-page update about the status of Brisingr.

Apparently, the book world responded so enthusiastically to the idea that one of their all-time best-selling authors (Ca-ching) had actually announced when he would be releasing his new book, that the release date was actually MOVED FORWARD three days, meaning that Brisingr will now be released on September 20th, 2008, but not only that!

No, my friends! Just when I had thought that Paolini finally got some sense and changed the release date from the 23rd just to acquiesce to my superior whims and desires (you will remember that I was upset about the release date, being as September 23rd is one of my all-time favorite days), he revealed HIS PARTY-PLAN OF D00000000000M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES! There is actually going to be a celebration on the eve of the release of Brisingr, just like the celebrations for the release of the Harry Potter books!

Umm, excuse me? Paolini does not equal Rowling.

On the other hand, good for the kid. That's excellent publicity, and should make him happy. I just refuse to attend. I REFUSE to work that night. I'll say something awful to a customer, I just know I will...

Gifts for Writers

2008-01-14T19:21:00.000-06:00

If you have a friend or a love that is a writer, you can earn many kudo points by giving them writing-related gifts for Valentine's Day.

Unfortunately, if you're not a writer yourself, knowing what a writer will or will not like is tricky, and chances are you know what it feels like to get the gift wrong.

Here is a list of gifts for writers... what TO give and what NOT to give.

(Keeping in mind that [blah blah blah] everyone is different, results my vary, etc.)

GOOD GIFTS

1. A box of paper. The link shows computer paper. It's especially nice for someone who does a lot of printing at home.

2. Pens. It's fabulous fun to write with a pen with your name or favorite quote on it. But remember... one pen is not enough! If you give only one special pen, the writer in question will probably not use it, preferring to 'save' it, because it is so nice and special. Help them out by giving them at least ten! Then they can enjoy your gift guilt-free!

3. Weird things. Be careful with this one. Many writers like the odd and unusual. While the pickled body of a two-headed calf fetus from France might appeal to one writer, it may shock and disgust another, even if that same writer recently expressed interest in a collection of mummified human hands (true story) (I'm kidding).

4. Seasonal items.

Everyone loves to decorate for the holidays, but few are willing to spend the money to buy the equipment. Christmas stuff is on major discount right now, so buy cutsy Christmas gifts for next year!

Also: Customized Candy Hearts

Get hearts with their name on it, or any other fun or funky phrase that will be special to them.

5. Movies. Everyone loves movies. Stick with the classics or the indie films, and try to make them special editions, with lots of interviews in the special features. Or boxed sets.

BAD GIFTS

1. Clothing. Unless you know the person's exact size (For God's sake -do not get it wrong! Too big or two small... both send the wrong message!) and colors, don't even go there. Instead, get a gift card, and if you have seen something you think they would like, include a note describing the piece and where they can get it. You could even put an array of sizes on hold for them.

2. Household items. Sure, this vintage tumbler may seem hip and lovely, but there's no accounting for personal taste or decorating. Refer again to the gift cards.

3. Journals and diaries. It follows the same lines as the pens mentioned above. Some are just too beautiful to write in! See gift card.

4. Books. This one might come as a surprise. But unless it's a rare or signed copy of an already beloved book, or something the two of you have discussed, or a fascinating encyclopedia on an interest that, again, you two have discussed, please please please go with the gift cards! You might think a novel is perfectly wonderful, only to find out the giftee hates that author. Please see entries concerning Christopher Paolini.

5. Pets. Yes, kittens and puppies are charming, but allergies, living agreements, and financial concerns make this a guaranteed disaster! Especially if the giftee has recently lost a pet. Trust me, if they want another one, they will take the initiative to replace Fluffy or Spike. You showing up with Fluffy2 is not going to make them happy.

ABOVE ALL ELSE!!!

Writers are fascinated by the unique, the rare, and the one-of-a-kind. Shopping for a writer friend out of state? Get them something from a fun mom-and-pop store that they can't get where they live.

If all else fails, make a scrapbook of good times together. Some of my best gifts to friends have been binder-notebooks filled with funny quotes, shared anecdotes, and crazy photographs of us together.

Get creative by reading the following blogs:
Keri Smith
Little Birds
Scrapbooking Site

or try Indie Gifts

Paolini Deigns to Announce when his Next Book Will Come Out (And Thinks People Will Actually Care)

2008-01-04T17:41:00.001-06:00

A huge part of my job (which I love), is to, obviously, help people find books. I'm expected to be knowledgeable about mainstream series and release dates.

And so... in the interest of being a good employee, I stupidly visited Christopher Paolini's web site last night... because I'm clearly a masochist... and found out that he's decided to grace us all with the announcement of the third book's release date:

September 23rd.

He had to pick one of my favorite months and one of my favorite numbers, didn't he? He just HAD to go there. September 23rd, May 23rd, and April 17th are my three most favorite days in the year.

That's not even the worst part. Oh no. The worst part is that he has 'BREAKING NEWS' about the trilogy, which he has chosen to share with us in the form of....

...A Video Announcement.

(Which, if you're really, truly a masochist, you can see here.

It says, and I quote: Kvetha Fricaya. Greetings Friends.

I cannot bring myself to watch it. I just can't.

But tell me how it is. And fear, my friends. Fear the coming September 23rd, which I shall now call Black Tuesday.

FEAR IT!!!!

............fear it...

2007, a Summary

2008-01-04T17:24:00.001-06:00

Holidays were hell. My coworkers warned me in the beginning that by the time the season was over I would no longer love Christmas music. I was happy to prove them wrong, but if I hear the particular version of any Christmas song that was played INCESSANTLY during a two-month period, I shall scream.

Remember people, it's not songs that annoy... it's versions...

Anyway, the Big Day has come and gone, along with New Years. I'll be sharing stories, but for now here's a small personal summary, shamelessly stolen (with encouragement) from Super Hero Journals.

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

In 2007 I finished a book, started and finished another (my best work so far), and wrote 63 poems I would be proud to call my own. I am proud of myself for taking chances. This year I moved from Illinois to Alabama, and it involved a lot of courage and independence, adjusting to and learning a new area. This year I got two jobs, a bank account, a credit card, and I pay for my own gas (Okay, I'm still dependent on my parents, but at least I'm not pinching pennies in a barren apartment somewhere; when my book deal comes through I'll move into a mansion a la Stephen King).

Stephen King's mansion, y'all.

2. What is there to grieve about 2007?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

This year I lost three boys, and one very important friendship (I got it back though). I was severely betrayed and I grieve for my inability to trust people. I grieve for my lost childhood, for the state and home I left behind, for the friends that moved on without me.

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

2007 was the most intense year I've ever had. I loved it and respect it, and I am sad it is gone. I consider it the last Good Year I'll have in a long time. Being a believer in the end of the world come 2012, there's not a lot of time left. May all years be as exciting, interesting, and varied as 2007.

2007, we loved thee well.

*bow out*

Aliens versus Predator: Requiem

2007-12-20T15:31:00.000-06:00

So I was at the bookstore and someone had placed SciFi magazine on hold, and I noticed on the cover that there was an article about the new Alien v. Predator movie.

This was surprising because I thought we were all supposed to be rooting for Alien 5, not AVP2.

Personally, I thought AVP was not very good. And what I mean by that is that it was an excellent film, except that it did not achieve epic-ness because the filmmakers did not keep with the themes of the Alien movies. And this is coming from a person who deeply enjoyed Alien: Resurrection, claimed by some to be the biggest abomination of all!

But I was reading this article, and I think AVP2 may really have a chance, but some things have got to change.

For example, the name. It has been named Aliens versus Predator: Requiem. The 'Aliens' is a throwback to the original Aliens, and that's fantastic, so did they have to put 'requiem' in there? They're basically saying, 'people loved AVP so much that they demanded we grace them with AVP2.'

Narcissists.

But I'm willing to forgive all because they are including in this movie the Predalien, who kicked ASS in the AVP computer games, and I look forward to seeing it tear through both human and predator flesh in the film.

Now if they could only get some Praetorians thrown in there...

Bookstore Etiquette

2007-12-16T01:30:00.000-06:00

When working at the bookstore, I have encountered all types of people. Most of them have no idea how they should be treating their local bookstore, and I'm here to tell them straight.

BOOKSTORE ETIQUETTE:

RULE 1: If you pick something up, for God's sake man, put it back where you found it! Don't wander across half the store with it and then leave it on a display table! Believe it or not, it's my job to go after you and pick up your mess and make sure it's put away. I have to track down all your lazy deposits before I can go home in the evening! This includes the people who bring piles of books to read to the couches and then LEAVE their stacks when they're finished. This is not a library, people!

RULE 2: If you don't like something, shut up. I don't care that you find it morally reprehensible that we sell Playboy and other magazines of varying repute. It is not my personal fault so please don't get angry with me. I will, of course, pass your complaints along to management, but really, lady, we'll be much more helpful in assisting you to lodge a complaint if you treat us with RESPECT and don't ABANDON your large purchase at the register, leaving me with three armloads of books to put back out on the shelf!

RULE 3: If you can't find a book, I would be more than happy to help you find it, as long as you ask for help BEFORE we're in the final stages of checking out. If I have to abandon my register and your merchandise to go to the computer and look up something for you, then locate it or explain how we don't have it, you are wasting my time and the time of customers who have their shit together and could be getting checked out right now but have to wait because you're a spazz.

RULE 4: If you have garbage, throw it away in the GARBAGE CAN, not the shelves of the bookstore. If you don't know where a garbage can is, I would be happy to point one out to you. Also, when you're reading magazines, please don't stuff the subscription adverts into the sides of the couches. I only have to pull them out later.

You know what a garbage can is. Please apply that knowledge.

RULE 5: used toilet paper goes in the TOILET!. Used toilet paper does NOT go in the sink, on the floor, or in the garbage can. Believe it or not, I have to clean up after you in the bathroom, too!

RULE 6: Do NOT take unpaid merchandise with you into the bathroom. ESPECIALLY do not take it to the bathroom to masturbate with! Buy the damn thing and do that at home, you pervert!

RULE 7: Though I may serve you, I am not your servant. I am a human being and you need to treat me with respect. Just because you are in a bad mood does not mean you get to be rude to me. If you are, I withhold benefits, like offering you a gift receipt or using the coupons to help save you money. Rudeness = you pay more.

RULE 8: IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEW ON A TOOTHPICK, DO NOT SPIT IT ONTO THE FLOOR!!!!!!!! I don't know what it is about this state, but apparently toothpicks are the new gum. They're all over the floor and they don't vacuum up nicely, so please, if you must chew, DON'T SPIT IT OUT ON MY FLOOR! Please see Rule 4 for more details.

Toothpicks: nasty habit.

RULE 9: If you call on the phone, expect to be placed on hold. My priority is on the customers who actually SHOWED UP for service. I will get to you as soon as I possibly can, and please keep in mind that while I am helping you I probably have people in person who need my attention, so please don't have a whole list of things you absolutely have to have. Come into the store and I can assist you better in person.

RULE 10: If we don't have a book, it is NOT MY FAULT. We cannot possibly carry every book that was ever written in the world. I can probably order it for you. Please don't get huffy with me.

RULE 11: Don't come up to me and say you desperately need a book but you don't remember the author's name or the title, just a vague plot description. While I know many things, I do not have a directory of details in my head, and I will probably have no idea what you're talking about if you go, 'I need the book with that guy who was on the Tonight Show about a week, maybe two weeks ago. I forget what it's called but Conan really liked the guy.' Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about. Come back when YOU know what you're talking about. I once had someone come in and say they were shopping for their wife, and a week ago she picked up a book we had on display, and the cover had a woman with red hair, and did I possibly know what that book was? Short answer: ...NO!

*sigh* Please have courtesy and respect for me and I will prove to be happy, helpful, and help you to get more product for less money. Is it so much to ask that you behave yourself and not be a completely rude, snobbish, perverted slob?

Signing out...

Have YOU Accepted JS As Your Personal Savior?

2007-12-11T01:19:00.000-06:00

At the bookstore where I work, we have 'member' cards that enable customers to save money throughout the year by joining our 'club'. This is pretty basic; every book mega-chain worth their salt has a program like this.

When we employees scan the card, the person's name and other info pops up on the computer screen. We don't sell the information to the government; it just saves time if we have to ship something directly to them.

Example of a Barnes & Noble club card, and I'm not saying I work for the B&N.

So two days ago one of my co-workers, a girl my age, scans a man's card and gets a strange look on her face, but, like decent employees, we wait until he leaves to gossip about whatever it was that she saw.

Phonetically, this name would be spelled Hay-soos Smee-lee, I think.

But it popped up on the screen as Smelly, Jesus.

Caption: This is Jesus. He does not bathe.

That's right, folks. My friend Brittany finally found Jesus, and he was stinky.

Now there's a kid who's parents did not brainstorm, in the words of excellent British comic Eddie Izzard, "What shall we name our son so that he will not get the shit beat out of him in school?"

And thus the past few days whenever I need a lift, I turn my eyes heavenward and mediate on Smelly Jesus, who has forgiven me all my body odor and will welcome me into a utopia of cleanliness whence this putrid body falls at last to hordes of angry perfume-addicts.

But really, people. Smelly Jesus. The crappy pay at my job is worth it for moments like these.

Smelly Jesus. Spread the truth.

*Please note: I am a Christian, and believe God has a sense of humor about this, too. So don't get mad at me and tell me I'm going to hell. If that's true, you telling me won't really accomplish anything, will it?

Paolini and Urine

2007-12-10T12:44:00.002-06:00

So there I am, standing at the register, minding my own business, not really doing anything because there was no one in line, and then I hear over the sounds of browsing customers and grinding coffee machines from the cafe... "OMG I LOVE Christopher Paolini."

"Gosh darn it," I sigh, rolling my eyes.

I turn to see a young girl, probably a junior or senior in high school, at the browsing computer talking to my General Manager, going on and on about how much she ADORES Mr. Paolini, about how AWESOME his books are, about how that's the only thing she's practically read EVER and how they're so good she's afraid to read other stuff... she's ranting about how UNFAIR it is that his third book isn't scheduled to come out forever and blah blah blah.

(Side note: Doesn't anyone remember how Paolini swore he had had the story mapped out since forever and knew exactly how it was going to go? As both my favorite manager and Jaden have noted, why then has it recently been announced that he'll be continuing with a fourth book? Is it possible he LIED to us? That he actually is just PULLING this CRAP from his ASS?!?)

Anyway, so I'm standing here trying SO HARD not to say anything, and my GM, who knows how much this being irks me, is giving me the 'If you insult the customers I will fire you!' look and THEN s I stood there squashing my natural impulses, a man comes up to me and explains how his little son had to use the bathroom yet was too short to reach the urinal, so unlike a NORMAL PERSON who would just hold his son up to the urinal, the man instructed his son to pee into the drain in the middle of the bathroom floor.

THEN he carried water from the sink, in his hands, making a huge mess, over to the middle of the floor to dilute it, and now he's just being friendly, letting me know there's a huge mess in the bathroom that I'll have to clean up.

Any other employee would have told this man where to go, but I, instead, smiled and assured the man it was no problem.

Then, the sound of the high school girls excited, high-pitched ravings still ringing in my ears, I trudged to the men's room to clean up boy urine.

Anonymous Commenter

2007-11-02T21:49:00.000-05:00

Dear Anonymous Commenter,

Thank you for correcting a previous entry, where I referred to Chuck Palahniuk as 'Chris'. I was understandably confused, as 'Chuck' and 'Chris' are so alike.

I must also apologize for bring Mr. Palahniuk into association with Christopher Paolini. Such a travesty is my greatest regret.

-Savannah

PS: I recently re-read Palahniuk's novel Rant for the fourth time. I understand more with every reading, and I highly recommend it to anyone.

Even more reasons to hate Mr. Paolini

2007-11-01T13:52:00.000-05:00

....

So I just found out that not only will there be a THIRD book (which I have known for a while), but there will be a FOURTH!!

I said to my manager, "He should NOT be allowed to write a fourth book", and my manager, bless his heart, said, "He shouldn't have been allowed to write a first one."

I couldn't agree more.

I Hate Christopher Paolini part 2

2007-10-14T19:21:00.002-05:00

So there I was, happily shelving books at the bookstore where I work, when I took one into my hands by John Steinbeck, The Acts of King Arthur and His Noble Knights.

You might recognize Steinbeck's name because he wrote many great American classics, such as The Grapes of Wrath, and is the winner of the Pulitzer AND the Nobel prize.

I'm not the biggest fan of his work or style, but regardless he was a great writer (though any ninth grader writing a term paper on Of Mice and Men will disagree with you), and deserves to be held with the greatest respect.

And so, it was with greatest shock and anger that I saw this:

Don't see it? Look closer. At the bottom. At who wrote the foreword.

Do you see why I was shaking with rage?

Christopher Paolini writing the foreword to a STEINBECK?!

This is a travesty! A complete and horrific travesty! It is an insult, an abomination, an atrocity, and it should be a crime!

Dear readers... I cannot express how hard it was to put that poor book on the shelf. I spoke of it very slowly and calmly to my manager, then requested my lunch break, where I stewed for half an hour, eating a sandwich and dreaming of the day when... when... when this book will go out of print?

There's nothing I can do, really. I just don't think Paolini is qualified to have that honor, that's all. This tires me.

Public School BS

2007-10-14T19:08:00.001-05:00

When I was very young and in elementary school, I wanted to be a writer but thought I couldn't ever possibly be one. The reason for this? I believed I lacked the proper and required temperament.

You see... public schools have this thing called the 'Writing Process'. All through elementary, middle, and parts of high school, teachers guide you through 'brainstorming', 'drafting', 'editing', and 'publishing'.

As a child, I absolutely HATED brainstorming and drafting. I had an idea and I was raring to go! I didn't want to sketch silly ideas in web-format on a piece of paper! I took to just writing my story or essay and then making fake brainstorms and drafts based on the final product.

I thought this was what being a writer was all about, and, thusly, could not ever hope to be one because the 'process' seemed so ridiculous to me.

It took me a while to figure out that I was gifted with what many of the other students for whom this 'process' was invented were not: a destiny.

I hate to get all arrogant and mystical (woo woo wa-oo) about it, but I understood at that young age (though I lacked the words to describe it or the experience to be credible) that truly great writing begins with a vibrant spark of an idea, a special feeling likened to madness that takes a writer and dictates through him. Creating word webs just did not fit into what I felt whole-heartedly to be true.

Many esteemed and brilliant writers (Ray Bradbury, Thomas Harris, Chuck Palahniuk, Stephen King, JK Rowling, Chris Crutcher, Toni Morrison, James Thurber, etc.), I was relieved and ecstatic to find, feel the same way I do. To hear them speak of the 'writing process', they are pulled along, as if on a path in a misty wood, able to see only a few feet in front of them.

Ray Bradbury described himself as a person with a notepad and pencil, running after his characters and jotting down what they do.

The moral of this exercise is this: If I had followed the 'rules' about my art, I would have been unhappy, frustrated, confused, and my writing would have suffered.

I am here to tell you not to listen to your teachers or your government or any 'experts' that tell you to believe something that doesn't sound right to you.

ART HAS NO RULES!!!!!! You can do it however you want, in whatever way makes you happy and works for you best.

I will always resent my early education for making me feel so unhappy about what I was meant to do with my life, but at least it taught me the valuable lesson learned above.

All that idealistic stuff about no boundaries or limits is true. Follow your dreams, people.

The Career Question

2007-09-20T11:17:00.000-05:00

Frequently in a young writer's life, that writer must say to themselves, "I know I'm a writer... but now what do I do?"

It takes years and years of novels and short stories and more novels for a writer to reach the point where they can quit their day job. Notable examples are JK Rowling, Stephen King, and Nora Roberts.

But let's face it... we can't all be MegaWriters. So what do you do until you hit it big? Or even medium? What jobs can you get that feed the writer in you while earning you good money?

The obvious answer, journalism, shall not be discussed.

Young writer, your choices are limited. You can intern at a publishing house (a very difficult position to get), or read slush piles. You can work at a library, sell magazines, or, my favorite, work at a bookstore.

The three largest bookstore chains in the USA are Barnes & Noble, Borders, and Books-A-Million.

Tips for getting hired:

1) Apply early and often.

Bookstores are a magnet for readers, writers, and pretentious indie kids alike. Most likely they have full positions, and a drawer full of applications they've collected over the past fifteen years. As soon as you turn eighteen, get your butt down to the local megachain and apply. You never know when (if!) you'll get that call.

2) Keep an ear out for new openings.

When bookstores open new stores, what do they need? New Employees! This is where Tip #1 comes in handy.

3) Be available.

Bookstores are inundated with college kids who want to work part time. If you can work full-time, you've got it made. This, however, gets tricky. If you're still in school, that leaves you open only during summer, and seasonal work is a death trap. If, however, like me, you're taking a semester off from college, your hire-ability goes up ten points instantly because you can work anytime.

4) WORK WEEKENDS!

If you aren't available to work weekends, you will not be hired. End of story.

5) Pit bookstores against each other.

Apply to as many as you can at once. If you get called back for an interview, mention that you're shopping for who can best benefit you in terms of hours, environment, and paycheck.

6) Accept your losses.

Contrary to all logic, bookstores don't pay well. You can make more money frying things at McDonald's. Seriously.

vs.

So why apply? Only because your single greatest love in this world is books and writing. Bookstores are a wonderful environment. You get to see all the books early, handle them all day, and you get discounts! Maybe even on the coffee, if they have a built-in cafe!

7) If all else fails and you can't get hired by the national chains, seek out independents.

This works especially well if you're in the Berkley, California area, but for the other 99% of us, shop around. Develop relationships with the owners, and be prepared to work part-time.

Try this locator for looking up bookstores in your area.

You gotta laugh

2007-09-06T17:32:00.000-05:00

The focal point of Go Look There were children's stories.

However, I focused on the darker, film noir version, whereas this adorable website goes for the comedic and light-hearted.

It's a great read, so go for it!

I Used To Believe.Com

Adorable sample:

When I was 5 years old, I was sick with chicken pox for several days before something very tragic happened . . . I was getting ready for my bath when I found that I was actually sprouting feathers!!! I was absolutely convinced that I was turning into a chicken. My mother did her best to explain to me that it was simply a feather from my feather pillow stuck to one of the chicken pox sores, but for the longest time I would argue with her.

Butterfly Jewelry

2007-09-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

I've always had an interest in butterflies, stemming from Kindergarten Monarch education and raising my own at home in the second and third grade. My recent book, finished on the 4th (yay!) entitled Go Look There gave me a chance to write about them in beautiful and mysterious ways.

Butterfly clips from an antique store (As seen in a previous post adorning my cat) were very inspirational.

And then I discovered this jewelry site:

Tigerlilly Shop, on Etsy, by Allison Fomich

See her Flickr account, with even more beautiful pictures, here.

Indie-Cred

2007-09-05T15:11:00.001-05:00

The bracelet every Reader and Writer should have:

I have the top one and I /love/ it. I wear it with everything.

Available at CarolynForsman.Com

Indie Decorating

2007-08-25T20:35:00.000-05:00

A new room in a new house means new decoration. Unfortunately, my room is baby blue (it'll have to go), but until I get around to painting it, here are some of my decorating quirks:

1)These keys were found on a nail in my grandmother’s cellar, and I’ve kept them for about two years, finally developing a purpose for them, seen here strung together with black thread.

2) A small collection of safety pins, hanging on a nail.

3) A pufferfish, also inherited from grandmother, and a collection of bottles, each with a paintbush in them. I’ve had a fascination with pufferfish ever since fourth grade, when I learned how they were used in making voodoo zombies.

4) A corner of my bookshelf, seen with perfume from Anthropologie, a horse bookend, a bird statue got from a furniture store in Geneva, Illinois, a small bottle got from an antique store in Standwood, Washington, a Devil Rubber Ducky found in a container of Pirate Bandaids, a tiny snail shell (not exactly pictured, but it’s there), a small baby, a finger-puper, and a butterfly.

5) A gargoyle bookend (which I made myself), and some fabulous books, including two of the Post Secret collections: Lolita, Middlesex, The Bluest Eye, A Wrinkle in Time, Rant, The Bell Jar, Invisible Monsters, The Lovely Bones, Post Secret 1 and 2, and Emotionally Weird.

6) A Chou dog; a statue used in China to ward off evil, which I picked up for a mere $20 in a store in Geneva. I’m sorry I don’t have names for you!

7) My favorite plaque, bought from the art museum in Chicago, and a door-chime of sorts, made of keys again, in my bathroom.

8) A mushroom I picked up at an antique store here in Huntsville, which now lives with Fred the Fern (more on Fred later).

9) My cat, adorned with butterflies, which I also got at that same antique store. I’ve been really into butterflies lately, having been working on a book mostly about them.

10) My lovely Grindhouse poster, the purchasing of which led to me making a new friend and possible romance (seen backwards because of quirk of program).

11) My cat, peeking out of my hamper.

12) God's Hands, seen with pearls from both market in Hawaii and Clair's, and butterflies.

Move to Alabama

2007-08-25T20:14:00.001-05:00

Dear, lovely people! The lack in posting I attribute to a MONTH-LONG move, as well as general lack of news to post.

After all, it’s not like I had a digital camera to record the TEN-HOUR drive from Illinois to Alabama. If I had, these are some of the moment I could have captured: Getting in my first car accident (I was rear-ended, and it wasn’t my fault), a mobile home with a tree through it, a store that sells only socks (30 pair for 10 bucks), a strip club next to a church, a life-sized replica of a spaceship, our house deal falling through, flooding in our next house, and finally moving in only to find half our stuff was left in Chicago. Oh no!

But then again, this blog is mostly about writing, and I’m not in a very outwardly productive stage right now. I have nearly completed my sixth book, entitled Go Look There, which is a magical-realism collection of childhood stories, interspersed with the letters of the local psychologist and the local custodian. Now, while all of that is very exciting for me personally, it doesn’t make for much to blog about.

And then… And then I finally got my graduation gift, a MacBook, and the world changed. I’m a PC gal myself (or so I thought), until I discovered the PhotoBooth feature.

After that, I was hooked. And now, having been gifted with a built-in camera (albeit one that is permanently attached to my laptop), I can share, with pictures, some of the things I’ve been up to...

Life Changes

2007-05-27T08:29:00.000-05:00

I am not going to college at Columbia. I am not staying in Illinois.

My family is moving again, and I have to admit I am very excited about it. We are traveling to Alabama, with the move expected to be completed sometime in July.

I will work for the first semester, and attend college the second. Which one? I have no idea. :)

In related news.... Friday, May 25th was my 18th birthday.

Imagine this... I began writing my first eventually-would-be-completed novel when I was fourteen, in ninth grade. I finished the last one as a 17-year-old senior in high school.

My contact at CBS says he has scheduled a June meeting with his agent to discuss that first novel. If you haven't read it already, you can do so by clicking here.

Today, I also graduate from high school. At 3:30 PM on May 27th I will no longer associate myself with the high school age group.

The way I have described it earlier is that I and my fellow graduates have, our whole lives, been climbing on boxes to get to a hole in the ceiling. Now we're teetering at the top, about to pull ourselves all the way up and out, and it's a time for nostalgia and excitement.

We will never be in that room again. It's time for a new one.

In any case, I plan to post the remaining chapters of Insurrection soon; it's just that I haven't been writing much lately and so haven't had on my upstairs computer so I haven't transferred those last chapters to the downstairs computer, this one.

Wish me luck in life, and congrats to all you graduating seniors out there!

-Savannah

Confessions 5 - I hate Christopher Paolini

2007-04-27T17:24:00.001-05:00

I hate Christopher Paolini.

While not recognizing the photo, you may recognize the name. Mr. Paolini is a New York Times Best-Selling author for the Inheritance Trilogy, the most famous of which is Eragon.

You may remember a few years ago when this book came out and it was apparently a big deal. I read it. It was not.

I was introduced to Mr. Paolini through Oprah. She was doing a segment on teen authors, and I was watching it from my home television, seething with jealousy.

I am now going to make a generalization. You are free to agree or disagree: ...Fantasy sucks. The vast majority of fantasy and science fiction novels are badly written and cliched and follow the same plot over and over and over again.

(Ironically, another teen authoress featured on that Oprah Show did a successful series on vampires. Vampire stories also suck. Even Interview With A Vampire, when it comes down to it, sucks.)

This is my personal vendetta against fantasy and science fiction writing. I don't expect to be hassled about it. I know there are exceptions to the hideous rule, such as the well-known and quickly-declining-in-integrity Harry Potter books, or the Dealing with Dragons series, which was comedic and heart-warming. And lets not forget the classics (Tolkien, Pratchett, Adams, etc.), but even they have their moments.

But this is not about my hatred of those genres. This is about my hatred for Christopher Paolini.

Hate is a strong word. Mine is composed of anger and envy. While previews for the movie Eragon were showing, I took to changing the channel every time one came on. I forbade my family to see or support that movie in any way (alas, as I am a dependent teenager they have done little to respect my wishes, and in fact tonight I shall commit the treasonous act of purchasing that blasted film for the enjoyment and corruption of my little sister).

Why, you may ask? I'll tell you.

REASONS WHY I HATE CHRISTOPHER PAOLINI

1) First and foremost, he's a cheater. He did not submit his book to literary agents or publishing houses, he did not wait in agony for MONTHS for a rejection letter before sending his manuscript out again. He did not go to literary conventions and attempt to make contacts who would be interested in reading the boring and terribly-written novel of his.

NO, I say! He did none of these things. He is nothing like the rest of us.

His family owns a publishing company. Without having to earn the right in any way, he published his book and began distributing it.

Aha, but you may say... if he is so terrible, why then the success of his novel?

Oprah. Plain and simple. Oprah did a segment on teen writers, and as he was one, he got to go on. This led to his popularity with the general public, who is known for having bad taste.

2) As mentioned before, his books are terrible.

Anyone who has read Eragon, or attempted to read Eldest (I say attempted because I myself, a staunch believer in not abandoning books once you have started to read them, had to put it down due to sheer passionate annoyance) can back me up on this one.

Paolini took the low road. He created a /very/ cliched character: a special, talented, attractive boy with a mysterious past who is mistreated by his family and then made fabulous through magic.

BORING!

A basic plot summary: The Cliched main character, whose name is Eragon, discovers a dragon stone, watches the dragon hatched, and is now its caretaker. He fights off bakers or something of the sort, and takes an old man and the dragon with him on a journey to stop some dark force spreading across the land. There is a race against time, some more bad guys, some fire, a little blood, and then a magical and beautiful elven princess who is heroically rescued from prison as she is the leader of a rebellion camp (go figure).

The plot continues in that vein but I can't continue because it's too painful.

Anyway, I don't like his writing. He also sounds like he swallowed a thesaurus, and then puked it all over his 'script.

In conclusion, don't take any of this too seriously, as someday I shall probably have to eat my words.

Am I envious? Of course. I'm envious of any writer who has success, particularly those who do not /deserve/ it.

Does Christopher Paolini deserve my envy? Of course not. He has done nothing remarkable and his work will not be remembered past this generation.

...At least... that's what I tell myself.

Confessions - 4

2007-04-23T16:20:00.000-05:00

The most harrowing thing about being a writer in your teenage years is The College Question. Do you settle for something 'practical' (i.e. cheap, in-state, close to home) with a practical major (read: business), or do you study what you /really/ want to... English, English Lit, or Creative Writing.

Well folks, this is my confession:

I have been accepted to college. I will study Creative Writing at the largest private liberal arts school in the country, Columbia College Chicago of Chicago, Illinois.

That's my personal college triumph. What's yours?

The Cost of Shipping

2007-04-18T08:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I finished printing off my manuscript (as I ran out of ink SEVEN PAGES before being done), and ran it down to the local post office.

I took $40 dollars with me, but it turns out that shipping for 2-3 days with special handling was only $7.50, and only an extra 50 cents to get one of those scanner sticker things that will then alert you to the fact that your package has arrived.

Just a little detail, in case you were wondering.

Also, for all you young and inexperienced writers out there, here real quickly is how to properly address a manila envelope, because -confession- I still forget sometimes.

Taken from Nursing Advocacy

The above picture demonstrates how to properly address the manila envelope. Your name and address goes in the upper left hand corner, and the sendee's address goes in the center. Do not put stamps or anything else on it, as they will do this at the post office.

Now, there's one more important detail (this is the one I'm always forgetting): The main opening (you know, the one with the lickable sealers and that strange metal contraption) MUST BE on your right hand side and facing the table as you address the envelope. like this:

Hope that was helpful!

Meredith Maran

2007-04-17T10:57:00.000-05:00

Because, in paranoid-Savannah-world, every April 17th is my death day, I have stayed home to avoid school shootings and bus accidents, yet still may be done in by choking, electrocution, and serial killers.

If you can get a hold of the April 2007 edition of More magazine, flip to page 209 and read the story of Meredith Maran.

Or, just visit her website.

She is an inspiring lady with an amazing story, which includes her first book being published at age 18, and raising goats at the age of 17 in Taos.

Confessions -3 The Gloating Stage Part II

2007-04-16T21:22:00.000-05:00

The letter below came at the exact perfect time. I was very upset that day, and had just woken up from a nap designed to let my brain process several troubling issues of the moment, and then I went downstairs to where the computer was and...

There it was. The letter I had been waiting for four two months.

I had just been complaining in my head because, as the author of the book, I intimately know its details, and have been with it so long and seen so many bad drafts of it that my general opinion of the thing is, though I love it to death, that it sucks.

Which made the arrival of this email all the more sweet.

And now we shall briefly discuss what to do when you get good writing news, part deux:

As is true for most young writers, winning some form of acceptance is not only a good thing for the mood and ego, but a chance go totally push it in the face of those who thought you couldn't do it, or in general don't like you.

Unless this can be done with the utmost tact, I highly recommend against it.

Once this kind of news gets leaked to a few people, say... your favorite teacher, word gets around. You can even stage it so you tell said teacher in the beginning of class when other students are around. This makes it look like you only wanted to tell the teacher, but other students overheard, and then you get to talk to them about it.

Like I said, word travels. You would much rather have the person you want to impress hear it from someone else and have to ask you about it than tell them yourself and be thought of as stuck-up (forgive the colloquialism), wouldn't you?

CAREER IDEA:

Begin a mailing list of people who wished to be informed of your career progress. I've got four teachers on mine. Teachers love to stay in contact with their ex-students and see what's going on in their lives; chances are you won't be intruding.

Teh Letter

2007-04-16T15:24:00.000-05:00

For all of my fictionpress readers out there, what my contact said about WW:

Hi, Savannah! Greetings from New York. I’m sorry it’s taken me so very long to get back to you about your fine novel. For a while, I was forced to focus intently on the completion of my new book, [Book name protected by Savannah], which is coming out in about three weeks. As you know, completing a book is so much harder than starting it. After that, the hectic pace of writing/living/traveling/crisis management at work has made it almost impossible for me to focus on anything that I might read for pleasure.

And speaking of pleasure, that is exactly the word to describe my feelings as I make my way through your lovely, magical novel. I was prepared for something well-written and rather dramatic, but not for the depth of insight, the futuristic vision, and the poetic command of language. To say that you are a prodigy is not an over-statement, but it actually doesn’t do your work justice. This would be an accomplished work of art for one of any age and experience. I am still reading it and savoring its genuine originality, but I can tell you right now that I do believe it is worthy of being circulated, read, thought about and published. If you would please send me a new, fresh copy of the work, I will send it to a few people that I know in the business here. The first is an agent who has a good feeling for young talent and is among the most aggressive people I know. His name is [Name protected by Savannah], and he works at a big agency here. He would eat his young to get a good deal. If [Name] likes it, he will be very helping in making sure the right people see it. The other person who I believe would be interested is my fiction publisher, [Name also protected by Savannah]. She is a very cool person and always interested in edgy, new things. I think she would see the value not only in your work to date, but also in all that you will do in the future as well.

Anyhow, I felt that enough time had gone by that I truly owed you a note, particularly since there are so very many good things to say. I know I don’t have to tell you to keep writing. You were born to that job. I’ll keep reading and doing whatever I can to help you on your road.

[Savannah's Contact]

Comment to be later added

Quotes from Working in the Dark

2007-04-03T15:33:00.001-05:00

I read the book Working in the Dark by Jimmy Santiago Baca and Adan Hernandez, and here are selected quotes pulled from it:

(NOTE: Most of these are probably fragments of sentences, because I only pulled the good parts. So try to take in the imagery and ignore the context.)

While the president’s son in the Rose Garden snares a butterfly into his net and rips off its wings.

Ocean moaning in her blood vessels.

My heart is a cow’s tongue slowly licking a block of ice.

Poetry sits in God’s chair when God is absent.

I reach my bladed hands into the haunted heart of the woman made lonely by her beauty, because she is too beautiful for men to love her soul.

And when I finish a poem I measure its authenticity against their hearts’ reality and their imagination. The voice of poetry runs steadily and faithfully in the veins of all children.

My ears and arms become pollen sacks where butterflies and bees pollinate in language.

In the poem I plant my seed and lick the birth-film from each vowel.

My dove self is eaten and my wolf self growls.

The privilege of poets is that they can become all things in the act of creation, everything –and nothing.

And gently bit her lips.

I have failed many times to water the tree that grows in the heart.

I want to embrace all of life, the beautiful and the ugly, to sit with cowards and warriors and listen to them all.

Each true poem is the pear-handled pistol you point at your heart.

Let poetry be your open space that you transverse with courage.

He can sing the most hidden secrets of the heart. And these are gifts from God.

Tea Sparrows

2007-03-29T13:29:00.000-05:00

Occasionally some rare and small blog comes along that can completely change your outlook on what writing is supposed to be.

Teasparrows on livejournal does just that. Check them out!

Example of their work:

Untitled by shipsvsplanes

Mathematics has stolen my bones and has left me having heart-to-hearts with bedroom walls. You see, we're discussing the future of humankind and taking bets on who could care less. We're tracing our memoirs on the necks of our lovers and then casting them off to sea, never to be heard from again. And we can't even make them out anymore, but we can still hear them screaming 'Breathe in, breathe out, baby' and that is all I hear but I, myself, am a stubborn one who just doesn't play fair. And, these bedroom wall friends of mine, they just don't care.

Untitled by paintonthewall

I thought that if I threw my phone into the television,
it would make a nice sound. A satisfying crack,
glass raining onto the carpet. I really just want to wake you
up. Shake your bones and kiss your ears. Someone says,
"Words are a dangerous currency," and baby,
I'm flat broke, these are dust pockets, bad checks,
overdrawn thoracic cavities. Oh, how you hate it
when I use unfamiliar words, how small you say you become!
You get small and I get to sit around and feel my organs
disintegrate. Boo hoo, how sad we both are! How typical!
That's right, I'm hiding behind emphatic punctuation.
The next steps are: invitations to strangers, tasting
new bodies, leaving traces of rum on the doorknobs,
burning the furniture. This is, this is, this is.
We never had the definitions right.

The New Look of 'Confessions'

2007-03-29T00:30:00.000-05:00

I finally had the time to get good and annoyed at the current layout, so I have updated, based off of a magazine picture I have hanging in my room.

Don't like it? Think it's sloppy? Then you do it. ;)

The last one took me five hours, and I've given this about three, so there. Be happy.

Artsy Blogs

2007-03-16T22:07:00.000-05:00

Fabulous new blogs for you to check out. These are not of a writing theme; more of an artsy rebel kind, but we are all kissing cousins here in Art World.

A World of Birds

Little People Project

Wooster Streer Street Art Blog

Young Blood

2007-03-09T15:48:00.000-06:00

A recent community spotlight on liverjournal, called add_a_writer, has given our kind (haha, don't you love that? Our kind) the blatant opportunity to find each other.

Which has led me to some very interesting contacts, among them a very amateur (but eager and grammatically correct and multiple-clause-forming) writer, not even a writer yet, more of a fledgeling.

Did I set out to corrupt him and bring him to our ways? Of course! Being a writer is the best thing in the world! Aside from being, you know, like... some.... really... really cool guy... or something.... Myself, I think being a Magic 8 Ball would be pretty freakin awesome.

But this encounter with the Youth of Writing America (of which we all are, fellow teenagers), led me to recall some very painful writing beginnings.

Where were /you/ when you were 14 and had no clue what was going on and were just beginning to seriously write and think you might want to do that for the rest of your life? Writing was first like a crush, then a serious crush, then your blushing girlfriend, then your serious girlfriend, then your fiance, and then suddenly you wake up and find out you're married -and either will skip about the room fantastically ecstatic or have one of those violent and passionate careers with writing as both your lover and mistress, angel and devil, and a bunch of other contrasting terms. For more on this topic, see 'Lorca' and 'duende'.

(Insert creative and realistic picture of the duende here, since all of the google image searches produce nothing useful)

I did not think to target this blog at the younger population, mainly because it's suck a sticky and awkward phase, and I only know how I went through it, and couldn't possibly be of any real help, but now my feet are in it and I've lost my shoes, so I might as well stay.

That said...

WARNINGS TO YOUNG WRITERS!!!!!!!

1) Under no circumstances should you have ANYTHING to do with poetry.com . It is a scam. A big one. It will cost you your heart and dreams and leave you embarassed and upset, and probably out 60 bucks. Don't believe me? Type in 'poetry.com, scam' in google and read.

2) Under no circumstances should you have anything to do with the Pink Palace of Poetitude, or any other poetry or fiction sites, such as fanstory.com. The sites that cost you money are BAD.

3) You should, howerver, have things to do with Fanfiction.net and FictionPress.com as these are genuine sites which cost you nothing and will provide guaranteed feedback, provided you don't suck. And indeed, there are many careery opportunities for sucky writers. Look at Nora Roberts. (Don't anyone say anything about Stephen King because that man is both cheap and genius. Read his autobiography; it's not only wonderfully informative, it's a great insight into the mind of a real writer.)

4) Write short stories. As someone very wise once said, whose name I am too lazy to look up, the money is in novels, but short stories and personal narratives keep your writing lean and mean. And it's true.

5) Do NOT get a 'beta'. Have good friends who like your writing; do /not/ be dependent on them to edit or read your stuff. Edit your own writing. This is most vital. You can be a crappy writer as long as you rewrite brilliantly. Someone smart also said that.

Note: This is a beta fish, not a writing beta. Real beta's are your normal, wannabe-editor friends, like this:

ALSO NOTE!: There is a distinction between being a writer and being an editor. Some people are born editors. It is good to have relationships with these people, but only RARELY let them edit your stuff. Editors cannot be trusted, and they have wicked pens.

6) When you get your first praising reviews, do NOT get overexcited. This admonition is basically pointless, since you will anyway. Do NOT become dependent on the approval. If you are dependent on public support, you will lose the respect of your fellow writing community. As someone ELSE very wise once said, 'It is better to write for the self and have no public than to write for the public and have no self'.

7) Consult my list of 'Things Every Teenage Author Needs'. It's very useful.

8) Become infatuated with yourself. Seriously. Every writer has a large ego anyway; might as well get yours early. This will lead to all sorts of exciting self-discovery and love of your profession, and then you can grow up to be exclusionary and snobby like me. ^^

9) It's best not to pester older writers with your crap writing, but when you have to, you have to. Try not to be annoying.

Did I forget anything?

Visual AHHHHHHHHHHHHHness

2007-03-04T19:13:00.000-06:00

As a writer, you are also a reader. Let's not get into lecturing on how great readers make great writers; that is for another post, or perhaps even unnecessary.

As a writer, you are also an observer.

And sometimes, observing takes a great toll on the mind... like observing four hours of television every day... or observing the hell out of your cereal box.

Sometimes the materialism and commercialism gets to be too much.

So, take the idea of author and artist Keri Smith, and cover up the labels with something creative!

Read this post for ideas.

Make Your Local Bookstore Work For You

2007-02-19T10:18:00.000-06:00

Confession: It has long been my dream to work in a bookstore, and, if you're a writer, probably yours too.

Confession: This remains a dream, as I have taken virtually no steps to actually get hired, aside from sheepishly asking if the bookstore I am currently buying in large abundance from is hiring at the moment.

And so... how to make your local bookstore work for you, and not just about hiring either!

Hiring
The mainstream stores (Barnes and Noble, Borders, etc.) will most likely ask you to fill out an application which they will keep on hand should one of their workers leave. The odds of getting hired: Not very good.

But something I learned recently is that they will most likely take you much sooner if not immediately depending on your availability. Which does not equate good news for students like us.

Getting Published
You are no doubt aware of the 'self-help' section, and probably also aware that information on getting published, editors, and literary agents is scant. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU GIVE UP. This means that you find the book you want online, go down to the store and request it with the service desk. They will have it shipped to the store and you can go and pick it up.

Literary Magazines
You've heard my spiel about Lit Mags before, but you maybe did not know this (or perhaps you did and I'm just very slow, because this only occurred to me recently): You know those stacks and racks of magazines the bookstore keeps in the corner, that, as a respectable reader you would never think of approaching?

Well.... they happen to have a section devoted to writers and literary magazines. What does this mean for you? Research! This means that more than likely they will carry a 'local' literary magazine, which you can then pick up, study, and submit to.

When You're Published... Increasing Your Circulation and Profits
This next bit may count as cheating, but it's a writer eat writer world out there, you know?

When you actually do get published, as in books, use this little hint to fool the statistics and increase your chances of being bought and read:

Call your local bookstore and say that you represent a book club interested in reading the book that you just had published! (But don't tell them it's you, the author; that would be silly). Ask that they order, say, 15 books to be delivered, give yourself a fake name, and then never go and pick them up. The bookstore is now forced to sell your books (tee hee).

You can also manually go into the store, pick up your books, and move them to a front display. It helps if they have 'discount' stickers on them (but, please, don't hope they do, because how demeaning is that?)

Any other helpful hints/tips?

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

2007-02-14T09:59:00.001-06:00

Just a friendly reminder to all single -and taken!- people out there...

Just because it is Valentine's day gives you /no/ excuse to write corny, cliched poetry, whether they be of a sappy or emo-depressed theme.

Have a nice day!

Confessions - 2

2007-01-31T19:04:00.000-06:00

And so my book is sent off to my contact, and now I wait.

Confession: It is perfectly fine to have maternal or paternal feelings towards your packaged book. Of course, if you are female I would, of course, recomment maternal feelings, and paternal for males, but if you wanted to break the mould and be a woman with paternal feelings, have at it and tell me about it.

So there I am, hugging my manila envelope stuffed tight with my work and injecting a good aura into and around it, which shall probably be dissipated as it travels among disgruntled mail workers.

But that is my confession.

Confessions -1

2006-12-14T15:31:00.000-06:00

My school is having a film festival, and since I've dabbled in the art myself, I figured to give it a go. It helps that the alpha female of my social group, who seems to have a high opinion of me, is going to college to be a producer. I have the experience and the script-writing skills, she has the filming technique down, I have the editing equipment and dedication, so we're set, right?

Wrong.

We needed actors.

With a script already written and possible actors/actresses picked out, one of the people we were counting on flatly refused to do it.

We had to find someone else.

The person we chose I shall call Mark. He is an orbital of the inner social group, and nice enough. We asked him. I emailed him the script.

He approached me the next day and said (I nearly quote): "Yeah, yeah, I really liked it, but... would you like me to clean your script up for you?"

I stared at him for a second, then turned and called over my alpha female in a high, wavering, panic voice.

/Clean up/ my script?!

He apparently had a brief brush with film over the summer (shooting a very poorly-executed fight scene starring, ironically, the guy we originally cast for this part but who refused), and as such thought he could lend a vast ammount of expertise to the project.

We were offended, hid it, and told him no thank you.

In subsequent emails, it came out that he was a "self-titled 'good' writer" -which should send warning signals shooting through your head.

Writerly Rules of Ettiquette Number One: /NEVER/ call yourself 'good' unless you can do it honestly and with no self-consciousness and unless it has been proven that you /are/ good. No, your friends and family saying they liked it does not count.

If someone bluntly asks if you are good, always sidestep the question. It is incredibly rude and very amateurish to label yourself as anything praiseworthy. Let the readers decide for themselves if you are good or not.

To get back to my story, within the flurry of emails, he asked about my writing credits.

Here I sort of committed the cardinal sin I just described. I have been published. I have been highly praised by members of the elite writing world. I have attracted the interest and love of readers on several online sites. I am recognized in all my writing and english classes as a 'good' writer. Does this actually make me 'good'? Can any writer ever finally assume themselves 'good'?

Taking a chance, and assuming by his 'self-titling' that he was a mediocre to bad writer, I figured that there was a very good chance I was better than him (O! such mean and poor terms, O! such ego!) and explained in no uncertain terms the extent of my experience.

I do not take writing lightly, and I will not tolerate assaults on my authority. This is a personality/character flaw of mine, and I do not recommend you develop it, unless you eventually plan to be a Supreme Bitch On Wheels, as I later turned into.

And thus, this is my confession. Sometimes... you just have to call yourself good and believe in it, and completely crush the opposition. Sometimes you have to ridicule other wannabe writers in private while secretly sweating, terrified that you are one of them as well.

And you? What horrid ego-centered, writer-related things have you done, said, encountered?

25 Reasons to Keep Writing

2006-11-23T10:16:00.000-06:00

Taken from Maya

25 Reasons to Keep Writing

1. Because sometimes metaphors work better than just words
2. Angst makes me feel alive
3. Impossible yearning is the most powerful feeling of all
4. Drugs are expensive
5. I like infinity, and combinations of letters are endless
6. Because I am a gateway to the Land of Unwritten Ideas
7. I like feeling important
8. I like laughing at typos
9. I want to remember everything
10. Because sometimes you just have to escape
11. Because sometimes no one can tell the story better
12. Characters are counting on me
13. Friends are counting on me
14. The what-ifs are more entertaining
15. Absolute omnipotence and power
16. There is nothing else
17. I’m bored
18. Keyboards make funny sounds
19. Dreams are more realistic anyway
20. To educate the world on the importance of cats over men
21. Everything sounds better in poetic format
22. Because being brainless is overrated
23. Cause people fear you easier
24. It helps with the loneliness
25. The electric possibility of getting it right, and the smaller, quiet beauty of almost.

So you wanna be a writer?

2006-11-18T11:59:00.000-06:00

All right. It's time to buckle down and get on it.

Introduction to Publishing:

1) Write a good piece. Don't roll your eyes at me; this is a vital step. So far all we've talked about is the writing process. You should have that down by now. So don't forget this step.

2) Research. You want to start submitting your pieces. Okay. Where do you submit them? You should submit them to a literary magazine.

What literary magazine? How do I find out about literary magazines? You're in luck. I have a website for you: Click here!

the above is a comprehensive list of literary magazines that welcome submissions. Now we have to get into the tricky stuff.

Why research? you say. You should be able to find the 'submissions' page pretty easily on any literary magazine site. VERY CAREFULLY read their requirements. If you do not conform to what the magazine wants you to do, they will dismiss you as an idiot and you don't get published.

3) What is an SASE? An SASE is a Self-Adressed Stamped Envelope. You should include this in your literary package so if you are rejected they can send you a rejection letter. Also, if you want your manuscript back, you should include an SASE big enough to send it back in.

4) What is a cover letter? A cover letter is the very short and brief business letter that you put as the first page of your work. You can find out a lot about cover letters on the Internet, but to save you the trouble of searching through the flak, here are the ones I found helpful:

Cover letters in general:
Making Light
Sample Cover Letters

Poetry:
Poetry Submissions

Novels:
Novel Submisions

5) How do I format my work? I'm glad you asked. The correct way to do it is, first of all, put everything in font sized twelve, and a basic font. Times New Roman is preferrable. Next, center your title and put it in all capitals. Then push it all the way down to the middle of the page (this, apparently, leaves room for editor comments or something).

At the top of all of your pages should be a header. On the first page, make the header say your name, in the next two lines your address, then your phone number, and then your email address. This should all be left-aligned.

Still on the first page, right aligned -the amount of words your work is.

Next we move on to the other pages. The first problem you're going to encounter, if you're using Microsoft Word (This is the only kind of thing I'm an expert in, so if you have problems in other kinds of documents, you're on your own), is that the headers do not want to be different on different pages. You can easily fix this by double-clicking in the header, and a menu bar will pop up. Click on the icon that looks like an open book (it should be blue and white).

Then, when the new menu pops up, click on 'Different First Page'.

You may now go and edit the headers on the rest of your pages.

The headers on the rest of your pages should be right-aligned, with your name, then the page number, and on the next line the title of your story, in capitals.

You can make the header put in the pages automatically for you by, in the header menu, pressing the white page with the # sign on it.

Font in the headers should be the same as in the document, and the size should be 10, if you're using a 12 font.

Now for the finale -the ending.

There are multiple ways to signal that you are done with your piece. You can do this:

I don't know why these are acceptable signals for 'the end', but they are. Make sure they're centered.

Also, one final tip....

If you are including multiple pieces, you only need one cover letter, but you should put a blank piece of paper between submissions.

Also, if you are submitting poetry, there is no need to doublespace.

Hope this was helpful!

Published!

2006-11-17T17:09:00.000-06:00

I return to you triumphant, for I have been published for the first time.

In May, I sent a personal narrative to this large, paper magazine my school got, called TeenInk. Usually I shy away from 'teen-focused' things, because they tend to be cory and silly, and who wants to be associated with that?

But I was desperate, and so sent off my article. Nothing happened. I figured it hadn't been accepted, so no big deal.

Then today, just after submitting professional articles to The Paris Review, I get a package in the mail, from TeenInk. I figure it's the free copy I requested that they /finally/ got around to sending, but there's also this letter in it, and the first line says 'Dear Published Contributor'....

After a lot of screaming and jumping around and feeling silly, I was able to calm down and realize that this is the first time I have been professionally published anywhere.

So this post is all about celebration.

You can read the article Here for the month of November.

Thank you, and goodnight.

Three-Line Poetry

2006-11-07T17:07:00.000-06:00

The benefits of short poetry:

1) They don't take forever to write!
2) Editing is a cinch.
3) The point comes across loud and clear.
4) Easy to memorize.
5) Easeir to be humorous and sarcastic

Something I wrote (comedically) today:

The Three-Year-Old’s Threat

Don’t leave me alone.
You’ll regret it.
I’ll scream.

Copyright

2006-10-23T20:55:00.000-05:00

While copyright lawyers are nice -and expensive-, there is a more common way to easily copyright your work. Simply make it all nice and in final format, then... send it to yourself.

You can request things at the post office that will officially date and/or keep track of your passage so there is an /official/ record of when it is sent. Then, should you encounter any copyright troubles, you have your original material safe and sound in a literal safe or freezer or refrigerator unit (Try to get something that is flame-proof).

More on shipping and formatting later...

Printing

2006-10-16T20:44:00.000-05:00

I have just completed my first professional printing. I have a stack of my work, my first manuscripts, piled neatly on the desk beside me.

I feel very, very young and innocent, like this is the time /before/, when I still had hopes of being published and still had hopes of making everything work out. Hey, what am I saying? This /is/ the time before!

And so this week we shall focus on courage (and proper formatting, because man oh man are there a lot of rules).

Firstly, on random courage:

I don’t have the courage

I don’t have the courage
To stand in the dark
In the middle of the room
Staring at the mirror

I don’t have the courage
To tell my father what I think
Or tell my step mom that I really don’t give a fuck
What happens to her damned towels

I don’t have the courage to go out door to door selling things
So that I’ll have enough money for me to have the courage
To invite people over to our house and
Not be ashamed

I don’t have the courage to tell people
That they are rich if they live in a house that big
And have that many pairs of Gucci shoes
I don’t have the courage to tell that boy how I really feel
Or tell that other boy to get his filthy eyes
Off my fucking body

I don’t even have the courage
To write louder
Than a tiny spider creeping across the floor
Because my step mom might still be up
Trying to catch me in the act
And then I wouldn’t be able to write anymore

Burkina Faso

Secondly, on courage for writing:

It is impossible to discourage the real writers - they don't give a damn what you say, they're going to write. ~Sinclair Lewis

This manuscript of yours that has just come back from another editor is a precious package. Don't consider it rejected. Consider that you've addressed it 'to the editor who can appreciate my work' and it has simply come back stamped 'Not at this address'. Just keep looking for the right address. ~Barbara Kingsolver

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor. ~Ring Lardner

Somewhere I have never travelled

2006-10-01T15:18:00.000-05:00

I do not remember if I shared this before, and because blogspot will not let me look at my July entries, I shall just repost because this is good enough for you to look at a second time.

Introducing 'Somewhere I Have Never Travelled', by E.E. Cummings
(And yes, this is all how he wrote it; I'm not copying from a gramatically-challenged website somewhere)

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The love abounds for that phrase 'not even the rain has such small hands'. Kudos to Cummings for the imagery.

And now for your favorite part, the pretty pictures:

The Phrontistery

2006-09-28T21:52:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been writing and you wanted to use a word but you didn't know what it was? Did you ever, after hours of searching and using dictionaries and thesaurae, come to find out that the word you had in mind did not exist?

Perhaps you were looking for a word that your writer's genetic memory knew -but that you did not.

Folks, I've got the answer: The Phrontistery

The Phrontistery is a registery of old and forgotten English words that you can find in no modern (or even semi-ancient) dictionary.

Some of my favorites that I've discovered lately are:

Welmish –of a pale, sickly color
Empyreal -of, like or pertaining to heaven; sublime; skyward
Inocciduous –of a star, never setting
Nubivagant –moving through the clouds

And, for you classical poets out there:
Rhodologist –one who studies or classifies roses

(Remind me to rant about roses at a later date)

Anyway, I encourage the checking-outage of the website. If you want to go straight to the glossary, and are having a hard time finding it, here is the direct link:

The Phrontistery's Glossary by Letter

Marillion

2006-09-22T19:24:00.000-05:00

Introducing the musical group Marillion. As musicians they have yet to appeal to me, but their song lyrics/poetry are certainly worth examining:

Excerpt from their famous song, Kayleigh:

Do you remember chalk hearts melting on a playground wall
Do you remember dawn escapes from moon washed college halls
Do you remember the cherry blossom in the market square
Do you remember I thought it was confetti in our hair

Excerpt from Psuedo Silk Kimono:
Huddled in the safety of a pseudo silk kimono
wearing bracelets of smoke, naked of understanding.
Nicotine smears, long, long dried tears, invisible tears.
Safe in my own words, learning from my own words,
Cruel joke, cruel joke.

Excerpt from Beautiful:
Everybody knows that we live in a world where they
give bad names to beautiful things
Everybody knows that we live in a world where we don't
give beautiful things a second glance
Heaven only knows that we live in a world where what
we call beautiful is just something on sale
People laughing behind their hands while the fragile
and the sensitive are given no chance
And the leaves turn from red to brown
To be trodden down
To be trodden down
And the leaves turn from red to brown
Fall to the ground
Fall to the ground

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So. Take a look at their lyrics, be inspired, go to town. Peace out.

Brian Andreas

2006-09-08T21:27:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the artwork/stories of Brian Andreas.

I discovered him while shopping with my best friend in a small town, and always meant to look him up, but never got around to it, until Super Hero Journals made an entry today mentioning him, and I knew it was time.

Brian combines watercolor/pen artwork with unique stories or phrases or short sentences that describes an idealistic truth in life, and I think we can all sympathize with his work. Please, please, please check him out. I think you'll find a picture there that you'll absolutely adore.

RIP, Steve

2006-09-04T13:33:00.000-05:00

Steve Irwin is dead. If you haven't heard the news, google the story, because I'm not going to reiterate for you. Suffice to say it was tragic and horrible and writers everywhere should be saddened.

You know... in the words of David Sedaris... I always hoped the world would be united by an armed struggle against the undead or something... but it's beginning to look like a step was made in the direction of world peace through Steve's death.

You may ask... why should writers care?

Well, I'm here to tell you that writers /should/ care. A /lot/. Steve Irwin was an important celebrity icon. He was infamous for several quirks, and we all have made fun of him for being an insane adrenaline-addict. He was also a family man living an impressive love story (which should send your writer senses perking) and an environmentalist/conservationalist, and his death has impacted millions of people all around the world. In case you didn't know, the global impactation of millions of people = writerly caring.

You may now reference Steve in your writing. You may compose a personal narration. You may write a story meant to take place in the past and reference Steve's passing as an impactful event in your character's life. This is ripe with opportunity.

But beyond the capitalism, let us take a moment and mourn for Steve, beloved Crocodile Hunter of Australia.

Rest in Peace, Steve. Rest in Peace.

Writer Love

2006-08-27T14:31:00.000-05:00

What every fluffy teen writer really wants:

Taken from PostSecret.com (see link to right)

Jazz and snazzy art

2006-08-22T15:16:00.000-05:00

I finally buckled down (mainly out of need to good off while writing a paper on Langston Hughes, or perhaps because of the man himself) and downloaded practically every classic jazz song I could find, and I'm here to tell you about my infatuation and joy in this music.

If you have a music downloading service, such as Limewire, Napster, or iTunes, I recommend the following songs/artist:

Anything by Miles Davis and John Coltrane, in particular:

The Feeling of Jazz
After the Rain
Body and Soul
Naima
In A Sentimental Mood
Summertime

Take Five
This is Jazz
Autumn Leaves
Kind of Blue
Smooth Jazz
Blue In Green

And by other artists:

Berimbau: Mandrake
Billie Holiday: Strange Fruit
Ray Charles: Unchain My Heart
Rob Dougan: Will You Follow Me?

In terms of Art, I'm fascinated by the painters of jazz, particlarly those with styles favoring abstract characters and brigh colors. Scattered throughout this entry was artwork by:

D.D Ike
Ivey Hayes
Laverne Ross
Wilhelm Gorre
Bernard Hoyes
Jerry Butler

If there is an artist I did not list, please let me know.

Assignment #2: 11 Moments In...

2006-08-20T17:31:00.000-05:00

In David Sedaris' book, Me Talk Pretty One Day, there is a chapter entitled "Eleven Moments in the Life of A Young Artist". The chapter details eleven very short stories about different moments in time during Sedaris' drug-filled stay at art school.

Stealing from this idea, I created, firstly, "Thirteen Moments in the Life of a 'Beautiful' Girl", followed by "Eleven Moments in the Life of a Young Writer" (Both of which I'm considering adding to the personal narrative series of life in Illionis).

If I can take a moment and be misty and hyper-sensitive, in a very Oprah-like fashion... examining my past and my origins as a 'beautiful' person and as a 'writer' was a very personal and revealing experience. I realized my struggles and became more secure in my destiny to write.

I would advise everyone to create their own 'Eleven Moments in the Life of a...' That is this week's assignment. ^^

Sylvia Ji and David Mack

2006-08-08T14:06:00.000-05:00

For you: Link to beautiful artwork by obscenely talented artists.

Sylvia Ji, specializing in pink hair and beauty

Writer and Artist David Mack

Your Internet Education

2006-08-08T01:24:00.000-05:00

If you're going to be on the Internet, and if you appreciate humor, and if you watch Internet videos, then you need to be properly educated on them. As an expert, I will now give you the links to the most popular (or funniest) Internet videos:

(Please note that some -many in fact- of these will contain swearing, though very /few/ contain adult situations and sexual comedy)

The Numa Numa Dance
This Land is Your Land
The Terrible Secret of Space
All Your Base Are Belong To Us
End of Ze World
Funny Cat Video
Harry Potter Puppet Pals
Bitey of Brackenwood + Other Videos
Teen Girl Squad
Poking the Really Cute Penguin
Cows with Guns
Madness Interactive
Infamous Cat Jump
Cat Fan
Insanity Test
The Most Annoying Thing
Most Annoying Thing Pursuit Remix
Whose Line Is It Anyway - Richard Simmons
Backstreet Boys Are Gay
Ahnold's Pizza Shop
Star Wars Gangsta Rap
Star Wars Gangsta Rap Special Edition
Farm Wars
The Bunny Movies
Captain of the Farm

Dating encouragement

2006-08-06T11:45:00.000-05:00

Dating? Female? Need encouragement?

Pre-date

The word 'cuss'

2006-08-04T10:48:00.000-05:00

Whatever happened to the word 'cuss'? Where did it go? I never hear anyone say it anymore.

...You know what we should do? ...Make an effort to use that word again. Let's see if we can get it back into circulation.

Question: What is your favorite swearword?
(Mine is the 'f' word. In fact... that may be my favorite word of all time.)

More Collected Phrases

2006-08-04T10:34:00.000-05:00

This time from the band Hole, featuring Courtney Love
(But perhaps you'll excuse that fact when you read this excerpt from her song, 'Awful')

...He's drunk, he tastes
Like candy, he's so beautiful...

Just think about that for a second.

By the way... can anyone else practically feel the texture and taste of sprinkles just by looking at them?

CornBunnies

2006-08-03T19:54:00.000-05:00

Creative pictures involving corn-bunnies (fantastic!).

Click on either image below for website

The Writer War

2006-07-28T14:34:00.000-05:00

When you're a teenager, and a writer, you are faced with many stereotypes and obstacles. Several of these include having to endure the fact that you are young and your style has not matured, fighting the generalization that teenage writers compose only bad poetry, and reading the bad poetry of your less than accomplished friends.

But for an online writer, your problems are bigger than this. If you are any good at all, you will enter... the Writer Wars.

The Writer Wars begin when you find that you are not the only person to reach outstanding success and to accumulate a set group of readers. There are others. They are even better than you, with more addictive stories and a larger group of fans. And then some person comes up with the idea to host a website where people can vote for which story they like best.

The nominations come in. You see your name. You smile smugly. You see the other names. You recognize most of them. Some are newer at this than you, but worse, some are older, more experienced.

You have seen these names many times. People mention and recommend them to you. You've read their stories, studied their profiles, tried to track them down on myspace... you look at the voting sheet and you know that somewhere out there... the other competitors are looking at your name, at your story, and wondering if they'll be able to beat you in this popularity competition.

If you hadn't guessed already, it's that time of year again. I was contacted by the originator of the competition idea, who has recently started up her site again, and I am once again thrust into this authoric war.

I always lose. It's because I don't have as many fans (I honestly believe this, because as a writer, I am vain and arrogant, and believe my story to be the best, and there is therefore no reason for my continuing losage except that the other stories must have managed to garner more attention).

And thus the stage has been set. When the voting is open, the actual battles shall begin. It will be a tangled and stressful time, where you debate morals and cheating and reconaissance and in the end it doesn't matter, because there is always a clear favorite.

But this year... this year I rewrote my book four times. It's excellent. It's fabulous. And thus I have only two words for the competition:

Bring it.

Not even the rain has such small hands

2006-07-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

In celebration of one of the most beautiful phrases ever, here is a poem by E. E. Cummings:

somehwere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
--e.e. cummings

Thoughts on the Mental Life of Writers

2006-07-23T20:45:00.000-05:00

From brilliant science fiction writer William Gibson:

"I became so frustrated with my inability to physically move the characters through the imaginary narrative space, that I actually developed an early form of imaginary VR technology that sort of covered my ass... all they had to do was switch tapes and be in a different place, and I was spared the embarrassment of demonstrating that I didn't know how to get them up and down the stairs."

Gibson is obviously a Possessed writer, though his literary skill implies he is an Obsessed writer. Perhaps he is a rare, lucky halfbreed. More on this later.

Insurrection ramblings

2006-07-17T14:01:00.000-05:00

Working on Insurrection (the third installment in the WW trilogy) is thankfully progressing much the same way WW and Apostasy did.

It's like the plot of the book is set on a long sidewalk at night. I've got a lantern, so I can see a few feet in front of me, but the rest is in darkness, lit up only occasionally by a streetlamp.

That's how working with it is. I take one step and another get's illuminated, with the ultimate goal being the next streetlight, which leads to the next and the next and in the distance is the blazing destination.

It makes one want to believe in the duende.

Interrobang ‽ ‽

2006-07-13T12:53:00.000-05:00

While perusing the livejournal of a very mislead young man, I found mention of an "Interrobang." His only explanation of the word was to, "google it", so I did, and this is what I found:

FINALLY! AN ANSWER TO OUR PRAYERS! THE INTERROBANG: ‽
(Lifted from Wikipedia)

The interrobang (‽) is a rarely used, nonstandard English-language punctuation mark intended to combine the functions of a question mark and an exclamation point. The typographical character resembles those marks superimposed one over the other. In informal writing, the same effect is achieved by placing the exclamation point after or before the question mark, e.g. "What?!".

Examples:

* How much did you spend on those shoes‽
* You're going out with Marika‽
* You traveled to Paris in a submarine‽
* You slipped on a banana peel‽

The code for the interrobang is, in html (with no spaces) &# 8253

The entire wikipedia article can be found here.
---------------------------------------------------------------

It's a brilliant marriage, and as a writer, I am enthused. At last there is a justification for my computer's grammar check always being annoying with the squiggly green line...
‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽ ‽
(I'm excited)

Also of interest to note is the "irony mark". The article for it can be found here.

On Plot

2006-07-11T21:32:00.000-05:00

Often, in writing, I will come up with a story idea and not have any idea how the entire plot will go, I just have one small tidbit. But one sentence leads to another, and one idea leads to another, and soon I have a whole plot line set out ahead of me. The hard part is just trusting yourself to be able to develop these ideas, and having the courage to proceed into the unknown.

This lends credence to the following quote: "As you continue, which you will do, the way to proceed will become apparent." ~John Cage

------------------------------------------------

In other news: I broke through on a story I was having a problem with. I set one of my characters out on a date in a Poetry Shack, and although I have been to a Poetry Shack, I have never been on a date, so I was a little stumped as to how to proceed. However, I remembered this quote:

When in doubt, blow something up. ~J. Michael Straczynski

As this was not a blow-something-up type of book, I opted instead for a bar fight, which successfully ended the date to rousing, comedic success, and I am now back on track with my hilarious, heart-warming story, Of Coffee And People.

Random Phrases

2006-07-11T10:54:00.000-05:00

A hobby of aspiring writers: Collecting random phrases, such as

"Window on my shoulder"

Base Human Fear

2006-07-10T10:47:00.000-05:00

The advertisements for M. Night Shyamalon's new movie, "Lady in the Water" has got me thinking about basic human fear, and about the horror genre in general, which leads me to this conclusion:

One of the base human fears, I would say, is a fear of wolves. Rather, a fear of the idea of wolves. Most people have seen enough discovery channel documentaries or enough docile wolves in zoos to understand that they are just beautiful animals. But that still can't override a fear of them, of what we think they might do.

Take the classic 1946 Walt Disney version of Peter and the Wolf. If you've seen the very old movie version with the blonde-haired boy, Peter, Sasha the Bird, Sonya the Duck, and Ivan the cat, you've also seen the Wolf, a vicious, frightening carciature of the wolf (Click here for pictures). This wolf has haunted me ever since I saw this movie. And witnessing the new adverts for Lady in the Water has brought back these fears.

There's something about a dark, fanged shadow that is faster, smarter, and much more capable of killing than you, coming at you, and you can't stop it.

Or perhaps it is this lack of control that we fear (which would explain the phobias about the living dead, mummies, and vampires).

Doesn't that just creep you out?

Tips for writers seeking publishing

2006-07-08T00:44:00.000-05:00

“There is no such thing as failure, only feedback”

“The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.”

"This manuscript of yours that has just come back from another editor is a precious package. Don't consider it rejected. Consider that you've addressed it 'to the editor who can appreciate my work' and it has simply come back stamped 'Not at this address'. Just keep looking for the right address." -Barbara Kingsolver

"A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor." -Ring Lardner

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." -Albert Einstein

"Thank your readers and the critics who praise you, and then ignore them. Write for the most intelligent, wittiest, wisest audience in the universe: Write to please yourself." -Harlan Ellison

"The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top." -Bob Hope

"The novelist must be his own most harsh critic and also his own most loving admirer and about both he must say nothing." -Angus Wilson

"It is perfectly okay to write garbage – as long as you edit brilliantly." -C. J. Cherryh

"It's none of their business that you have to learn to write. Let them think you were born that way." -Ernest Hemingway

"You learn by writing short stories. Keep writing short stories. The money's in novels, but writing short stories keeps your writing lean and pointed." -Larry Niven

"Only self-educated is educated. Others are merely taught." -Erno Paasilinna

"It is my contention that a really great novel is made with a knife and not a pen. A novelist must have the intestinal fortitude to cut out even the most brilliant passage so long as it doesn't advance the story." -Frank Yerby

"Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the yard and shot it." -Truman Capote

"Writing a book is a adventure. To begin with it is a toy and amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him out to the public." -Winston Churchill

The Abyss

2006-07-08T00:39:00.000-05:00

“When you stare into an abyss for a long time, the abyss also stares into you.” – Nietzsche

This terrifies me. Can you imagine the abyss staring into you and knowing you? Terrifying...

That was the human in me speaking. The writer in me is going:

I have /got/ to work that into a horror story.

Sometimes... being a writer is the best thing in the world. You get to turn everything you feared or hated or were embarassed by into something you love.

Assignment #1

2006-06-20T15:20:00.000-05:00

Create a visual journal.

Examples:

Taken from kitche at livejournal.com

Taken from jr__nal at livejournal.com

I am pleased to announce...

2006-06-14T13:57:00.000-05:00

There is a special sadness in achievement, in the knowledge that a long-desired goal has been attained at last, and that life must now be shaped toward new ends. -Arthur C. Clarke

Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the yard and shot it. -Truman Capote

I am pleased to announce, that after nearly a year-long pregnancy, on June 14, 2006, at 2:53 in the morning, my second book, Apostasy, was finished.

It is 362 pages and 55 chapters, and the second in a trilogy+prequel.

I and my beta are very happy.

It's disappointing, in a way. I've lived with this book for one year (it would have been one year exactly on the 17th or somewhat), and it was three times as long as the first one, and I expected that when I was done with it I would feel some sense of accomplishment.

I guess nothing equals that first high.

Colored Videos

2006-06-13T15:51:00.000-05:00

Very entertaining videos focusing on color. These are the only ones from this website that I recommend:

Blue
Pink
Mentos and Coke Symphony